It's that time of the year again! Every year starting around Christmas since I was a kid, my face and eyes are red and puffy and I'm a sneezing mess even with the aid of antihistamines. My co-worker the other day was even worse off than me! I'll try to keep some spare medicine stocked in the drawer at work since this is going to go on for a few more weeks.

My Christmas gift and a cardigan I bought recently. I was relunctant to buy the cardigan, especially because of the material, but I figured it was ok since I haven't bought any clothes in a while. It's so comfy and cute!

Christmas was wonderful! On Christmas Eve we played Blockbuster and opened presents before it was even midnight. The tree looked beautiful, it's a shame I forgot to take a picture of it. Bear got me an iPad and Apple Pencil!!! I was so touched and I'm happy I'll be able to draw in bed now. I also got a cute Rilakkuma case and a soft stand from his parents for it. His sister got me a lovely diffuser and some rose hibuscus tea, and his brother got us THE EXPERIENCE TUBE!! 10/10 would recommend. On Christmas day we went over to visit the other side of Bear's family and stuffed ourselves with lasagna, then drove to look at Christmas lights before bed (I wonder what their electric bill is like). It was definitely a good Christmas!

My recent book haul! Bear actually bought me volume 2 of The Essential Peter S. Beagle without knowing I had already bought it for myself, so we went to exchange it last night. I'm so excited to read them all!! The other day I watched the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie with some friends and loved it, the cinematography of the film is absolutely beautiful. Now I can read the book! Bunny and Convenience Store Woman were both recommended to me by friends and I've been itching to try them. Maybe I should spend less on physical books and just download PDF versions? Books are so expensive... but I do most of my reading at work at the moment, and the physical smell and feel of a book is unmatched.

I got a couple of packages from friends! I feel so bad, I'm still so behind on sending gifts. I wanted to send them out before the year ended, but that didn't happen. I'm still feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I'll try to get them out as soon as I can even if I have to make multiple trips...

The first package is from a yume friend! She sent me a little keychain of my favorite misanthrope, Goku Black!! She also sent some Jamaican souvenirs like Jamaica Uno (I didn't even know that was a thing?!), some adorable bows, and some chamomile tea that's been wonderful with calming the inflammation in my jaw.

Speaking of Uno, please enjoy this masterpiece of a shirt Bear once made after he was sore over not winning. It brings me endless amusement.

The next package is also from a yume friend!! I was so surprised at the wonderful things she sent me, matching keychains!! And an ADORABLE Tiger Travis she painted! She's made me so much incredible art this year and I really need to step my game up and draw for her more next year!

Reflecting on this year... Yes, it was a terrible year for me health wise and financially. But I did get to experience a lot of fun things and it was proven time and time again that I am loved. I feel blessed. In January, we went to play mini golf and went out to eat for Lunar New Year with a friend! In February, we celebrated the same friend's birthday as well as Bear's by going to a cave! I never understood the appeal to spelunking until then, now I get it. There may be no "treasure" in those caves, but the view as well as the excitement of discovering something new is treasure enough.

In March, I started working on this site! In April I went to a concert and in May I was surprised in many ways, good and bad. There were many meets, visits to the arcade, late chats with friends, mail sent and received, and more that I can't remember at this moment. I'd like to forget the bad things, but remember the lessons from those experiences.

I know our transition to the new year is just a man made creation and nothing actually changes, but I always did like the illusion of a fresh start. I don't want to mention my 2023 resolutions because I accomplished maybe two of them, but here are my resolutions for 2024:

• Learn how to drive. I hate cars and car dependency, but there's no changing it within our lifetime. I've used public transportation for 15 years now and it has only marginally improved since then. Not knowing how to drive has been a huge hindrance and it's a skill I should learn even though I don't have a car.
  
• Look for a new job. Ever since we moved locations at my work, the dynamic has shifted into a way I very much do not enjoy at all. I can feel the doors of opportunity shutting as I get older, and I can no longer afford to have a job that is simply comfortable and allows me to be lazy. I need a job that will pay me better, actually has benefits, and where I can learn new skills as much as I want to resist this change. It's a little difficult to find employment outside of the area I work now due to transportation and my (lack of) education, but I'll just have to keep looking and job hop if I have to.
  
• Accept that I cannot move out right now. Downsize and toss out anything I was saving "for when I move out", re-ararrange the kitchen so I can start cooking again. My grandpa drives me insane with his habits like turning the heater on when it's 70 degrees outside, overspending like crazy on food, and always making a mess for me to clean up, but instead I will try to remind myself how grateful I am that my grandpa is still alive and healthy enough to be as energetic as he is and that we can look after one another.
  
• Save up and buy a new computer. My old girl is going to be 10 next year and it's time to upgrade. The thought of building a computer makes me nervous but everyone keeps reassuring me it's very easy...
  
• Finish at least one new piece of media per month. It can be a movie, book, game, or anime/manga series. A movie would be the laziest and easiest choice, but there's so many classics I haven't seen so I'll include it.
  
• Spend at least 10 minutes a day drawing, and 10 minutes a day on cleaning. There are times I go days without doing either, and while 10 minutes isn't much at all, it's better than not doing it at all. I want to gradually go through the mountain that's not only in my space, but in my mind.

That's it! They're pretty simple, but I wanted to make resolutions that were actually doable and not put too much pressure on myself after the year I've had. I'm also realizing now that any age ending with the number 9 has consistently been a difficult age for me, it could just be a coincidence though. Let's all do our best next year!

A strange dream. A man enraged me at the grocery store, and I transformed into a beast. I always imagined I would go for the throat but I ran past him and fled the shop. I ran out into the woods and felt earth under my claws and the wind on my ragged grey fur, then went to purify a lake with scattered leaves all across its surface with just a tap of my paw, I guess like a Suicune.

A couple of weeks ago Bear and I had a date night where we went to eat Korean food and see Godzilla Minus One. Originally, we were going to get food from a special themed pop-up in our area, but we arried an hour after they opened and they were so slammed with orders that we just decided to skip it altogether. I won't say I wasn't disappointed, but at least I finally got some kimchi jigae! Last time I had sundubu and both are delicious, but I really can't resist kimchi... Godzilla was great! I previously had only seen the 2014 American Godzilla movie so the difference was incredible. I really enjoyed it and the themes it explored it was very intense and emotional. The ending will stick with me for sure, so the director achieved his goal. What's got Godzilla so cranky though, I wonder? Maybe he just needs a hot bath and a cold beer.

Delicious!

Some recent plush gets!! Bear surprised me with the Giyu, Kitty, and Kirby!! I'm going to weed through my plush collection again so I can't wait to redo my plush displays! And Chris arrived as well, he's so funny looking and I love him.

We managed to avoid the mall during Christmas shopping this year! That's a first. Bear's presents have been (poorly) wrapped and are ready for tonight, but nearly every other gift has to be mailed out and the living room is a mess of boxes right now. I have seven packages to send out, plus shop orders! I don't even want to think about how much postage is going to be... You know that situation where a friend suddenly announces they've gotten you a gift and so you realize you now have to add in another gift into your budget? That happened to me thrice this year, haha. But I don't mind at all, because I love being able to put together gifts and show my love and gratitude, because gifting is definitely my love language. I just wish I was a little more prepared... I've never been more behind than this year, I'll be lucky if I can finish all of these cards to send out packages before the year ends! I need to get back to drawing.

While out gift shopping I found one last Sylvanian Family blind bag! I couldn't resist. I was hoping for the kitty in the red dress, but I got lucky and got the secret one!!

We finally got to watch the newest Miraculous special, Tales of Shadybug and Claw Noir. It's an AU in the reverse: Gabriel is actually the good guy! He is transported to Ladybug and Cat Noir's world and seeks their help. All these "what if" stories are fun and all, but I can't help but think they only make them so they can stall while they figure out what to do with the main storyline. I did love it though, it was ridiculous in a good way.

Marinette Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and Adrien, who crushes on her in this AU. They're like out of some bizarro Tim Burton Ladybug world, complete with fingerless gloves and black nail polish. Hilarious and I loved every minute of it.

After we finished the special, I said "It's Christmas! We have to watch Tokyo Godfathers!" because somehow despite being a Satoshi Kon fan, I've never seen it before. The subjects all being homeless reminded me of the countless poverty documentaries I've seen, like this one covering citizens who live in net cafes. What I loved most about it is how perfectly imperfect the characters all are... All unable to deal with the heavy guilt and shame over their mistakes, they chose to leave their old life but find family in each other. It's not until they rescue the baby that they realize they never had to run away in the first place at all. It's a Christmas miracle! Now I just need to watch Perfect Blue, it's the last one I haven't seen. Man, I really need to add a watch log page so I can write about stuff I've watched there instead of here already.

I noticed all of the films I watched recently share the theme of hope, something I don't really have these days... A friend shared this video recently and it really got me thinking. There's that famous quote "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". But even with this knowledge, the concept of being in charge of your own personal happiness is a tough pill for me to swallow. It just feels like you're just deluding yourself for the sake of your sanity and I don't know if I can do it. But at the same time, people are unhappy for real reasons. Whenever I read about or listen to someone's woes, I usually think "it's no wonder you're depressed when you've been dealing with all of that". I know I am blessed, spoiled even, but I still find myself feeling disappointed by life and humanity's choices, crushed and miserable. I think about all the things I would have liked to do and how I was too lazy to get out of bed and make it happen. I kept barely living while idly waiting for life to get "better" with my exit always at the back of my mind, but all I did was waste my precious time. I know why I'm currently unhappy now, but there's no guarantee that I would necessarily obtain happiness even if everything that bothered me were remedied tomorrow. Is my only choice to resign myself to defeat and accept everything the way it is even if I am unhappy? Contentment is what humans should realistically strive for, but if humans stopped chasing "happiness", we wouldn't have advanced this far. What do you do when your heart is too delicate for this world? Why are some people more resilient than others I wonder? Maybe there really is no choice but to change my attitude unless I want to regret even more than I already do. Bah, this is all over the place. All of these concepts are half-baked, just like my brain. I'll try to be done with my pity party by next year.

Every year, I get mixed up and think ILD is on Sunday instead of Saturday. Oh well! We went to the aquarium and I used the opportunity to wear Marine Kingdom out for the first time. A comm friend kindly sold it to me a while back for an amazing price and even included a matching bag and jewelry! I've said this before, but I feel truly at peace in aquariums... It takes me back to when played Animal Crossing on my Gamecube when I was a kid, catching virtual fish and watching them swim around in the museum after they were donated. The employees were kind enough to introduce us to some of the marine life in their care and how they were rescued. We also got to touch some starfish, anemones, and sea urchins! Admittedly, starfish kind of creep me out, LOL. To quote a friend about sea life, "God just be spawning whatever down there". We already have aliens here on Earth, they just live underwater!

We went to get dinner afterwards, katsudon and katsu curry! It was so delicious, It's been so long since we've had katsudon. I had some sunomono too, but it wasn't sliced as thin as it should have been. Still tasty though! Next time I want sukiyaki... The restaurant I used to order it from closed years ago and I haven't had it since.

The same week, I was invited to a Christmas party with other artists I often see when I table. I felt like dressing up again so I wore my Dreamy Girl skirt with my Teddy Fresh x Yurie Sekiya shirt. It was so much fun and the pizza was nice and soft so I could eat a slice... I could have cried from how overjoyed I was. We played games and I got to try out bowling for the first time. I didn't get a strike, but I was close! The hosts provided everyone with tote bags to doodle on, but I was so busy trying to doodle on everyone else's that I forgot to pass mine around and it ended up half empty, oops. That's ok though because one of the hosts drew me such a cute Travis on mine and I will cherish him.

The card I drew for my Secret Santa which happened to be my neighbor from a con I met earlier this year!! That was such a fun con, a shame we didn't get in for next year. I'm still capable of drawing Vash from memory thankfully, still got it baybey!

Gifts from the party! An oreo cake pop and my friend was my Secret Santa!! She drew me an Iris and I love her so much.

Speaking of Iris, Robyn created this adorable piece of her fursona, Feen, Pom's fursona and Iris! They're all so cute!! I wonder what flavor boba they're having, maybe mango pineapple? She even included Iris' heart shaped nose... My daughter!!

I've been bugging Bear for us to go on strolls at the park more often. The trees were gorgeous! All brilliant colors of orange, gold, red and brown. We don't get colorful foliage all over like other regions do so it was really breathtaking to see. There were so many little duck families swimming in the lake! It's also nice to simply people watch, whether they're fishing, jogging, cycling, or just lounging around and taking in the scenery just like us. I hope we can go back and ride our bikes next time, the trail was closed for some reason during our visit. Oh, and we went to Five Below for the first time! This might end up being an addiction... I stocked up on sticker packs and we found some Miraculous Ladybug toys! I didn't get Plagg in my blind bag, but that's alright since I already have him in plush form.

Some more recent gets! Bear found the Tokidoki Spongebob at his work and no one claimed it so it's mine now! And I also won a Harvest Moon/Story of Seasons cow on my first try at the crane machine, it was meant to be!! She wanted to come home and meet my other tiny strawberry cow. My friend asked me what I was going to name her and I had no idea, so she joked they should be called Cowtherine and Vacaronica, so those are their names now! The bigger one is Vacaronica. They have strawberry bells attatched to their tails.

I haven't really seen anything I've wanted to add to my pre-order list lately, except the Trigun plush. Though I'm upset they didn't include Milly (where is my sunshine girl?!) and kind of annoyed they're all the same skin tone (Wolfwood and Livio are tan!!), I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have a Livio plush... I really love him and he's so rare to see! I'm planning on selling Knives though, LOL.

Oh, and I got a sticker from Bear! It's too cute to use!! Now that I think about it, I'd really like to start scanning a lot of the sticker packs I have so even when I use them, I'll still have them in some form, and they'd get uploaded here for free use too.

We also saw The Boy and the Heron with a friend last week. I don't want to drink alcohol while my head still feels funny, but Bear gave me a sip of his blackberry cider and it was so good... I want to be able to drink again. We watched it dubbed, which has a pretty all-star cast. Rob Pat did a pretty good job, I think most people wouldn't know it was him unless they knew beforehand. I liked it a lot, Miyazaki said himself it was autobiographical and if you're familiar with his films already, you'll be able to pick up on this. Bear said he was "too smooth brained to get it" and our friend thought it was sci-fiesque but I thought it was very spiritual and emotionally charged. I like that the movie kept things mysterious and without explanation for the most part (admittedly there's ONE thing that bothers me a lot), and the heron's last words to the protagonist pulled at my heartstrings. If anything, the movie is a visual masterpiece filled with a world that's familiar in some places, and yet very new in others. I really want the dolls of the grannies!! They're so cute... Overall I would recommend it if you're a Ghibli fan already, but those not familiar with his works will most likely just end up confused and unsatisfied. I don't know if this film will really be his final goodbye, but I think it's the perfect parting gift.

At this point I've kind of accepted my fate of being in pain all the time. The tightness is in my jaw and reaches from my temples all the way down into my neck and upper back. I think my recovery would be quicker if I was prescribed muscle relaxers, but I've probably seen more medical professionals this year than I have in my entire life and I don't really want to make another appointment. I'm doing my best to not let it stop me from doing things, but of course I'm still really bummed out about the whole thing. I'm still unable to eat or drink normally and I've lost so much weight that my normal clothes are starting to fall off of me. I feel paralyzed... I've been stagnant ever since we moved here, and the same things that drive me insane on a daily basis are the largely the same things as a few years ago, only now I have a new challenge added onto it. At least the days are going by fast again, for a while each day felt like an eternity. This single year has felt like three. Typing this all up reminded me of how much I have to be grateful for despite all my frustrations.

I painted my nails! It's my favorite, Essie's Birthday Girl polish. My nails are actually my favorite feature about myself, so I usually keep them natural and don't paint them because of how impatient I am. This polish is nice and subtle and will hide mistakes even if you mess up! It's already chipping by now, but even with chipped parts they remind me of seashells, or crystals.

I dreamt of her again. She wasn't on her deathbed, her flesh wasn't rotting off, I didn't have to remind myself in a moment of lucidity that she's already long gone. She had her curly red hair, like she had freshly dyed it last night and her bright red lipstick. She came to my computer desk with bags in tow. Did you come back from bingo? I gave her a big hug and told her I missed her, she laughed and said the same. I woke up before I got an answer on why things are so horrible right now. I'm happy I got to see you, but I wish it was for longer. This is only the second dream I've had of you that wasn't a nightmare. Is it too much to ask you to visit me more often?

This month's theme is Hanako-kun! The other day I went back and read all of the chapters I've missed in the past couple of years, I previously had left off somehere in the mid 70s. I really missed everyone!! It makes me feel bad that I had boxed up my Hanako-kun Nendoroid, but it just doesn't feel fair if he doesn't have Nene to go with him.

On our anniversary, I wore Sugary Carnival for the first time. It was my dream dress when I was fifteen, like every other sweet lolita at that time. I saw an auction for it go for as high as 800 dollars on Livejournal's EGL comm sales back in the day! And it had to be the black color way of course... There were times I had considered saving and settling for the special puple colorway, but the black colorway had my heart and I couldn't compromise, much like how I only want the navy colorway of Milky Planet. I didn't wear heels since we were going to walk around a lot and it feels like every time I go out, another pair of lolita shoes falls apart. They're cute, but such poor quality.

We went to the zoo! It was already getting dark when we arrived so we didn't get to see as many animals as we would have liked, but we saw lots of birds, fish, and reptiles! The zoo also had a wonderful display of Christmas lights set up just for the season so that was nice to see during our walk too. My favorite part is the aquarium, marine life is so fascinating (and quite horrifying at times) and nothing puts me at peace more than dreamily staring into the tanks and watching the fish swim around. I got a pressed penny with a crocodile on it, and watched a lion up close show off his roar to a bunch of children. Next time we'll go earlier, I want to see the bears!! And the leopards!

The flamingos were very cute but very stinky!

After the zoo, we went to get Korean food for dinner. I still can't really eat properly, so I got some spicy tofu stew as my main dish. My favorite part was honestly the kimchi and rice, I love kimchi and could definitely eat a whole jar by myself!

Yesterday I decided to finally watch a movie I've been meaning to see for ages, Amélie. It was such a charming little movie (vulgarities aside, but being a French film, it's to be expected) and I can see why it's a comfort film for so many. I saw some similarities between Amélie and I, both hopeless dreamers who prefer to live in their head. Seeing Amélie break down because reality didn't live up to her expectations really hit hard... Utterly defeated, she retreats back into herself and momentarily forgets about all of the people she's helped for the better. Nothing is ever as fantastical as it is in your imagination, but that doesn't mean it's not worth trying or living for. Although I didn't care for the cheesy CGI or the love interest, it was a whimsical film with a happy ending, and I'd happily reach for it again in the future.

It reminded me of something else... Amélie and I are both observers. I often feel like I am not really living my life, I'm just watching other people live theirs. On ocassion I get pulled in and I participate in life, for a little while but then I go back to simply being an outsider. It's what I feel like I was meant to do, just hiding and watching from the shadows and only popping in here and there. The role of a leader is never one that I've taken without reluctancy... It wears me out like nothing else to constantly have to be "active" and make decisions all the time.

What else... Oh, Thanksgiving was fine. I ate what I could (I'm starting to really miss food, only being able to eat soup and constantly having head/neck pain is depressing ) but after dinner we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas and everyone fell asleep except for me. I changed my wallpaper to this warm illustration of Wakaouji and can't seem to keep my interest pursuing Saeki... Sorry Saeki, you're cute but I just can't say no to Waka-chama.

As for site stuff, I got rid of the song of the week bit on my media section since I was having trouble keeping up with it and I'm sure no one listened to them anyway, lol. I also have the skeleton of my first shrine done!! It's nothing yume related, but still something very important to me nontheless. I'm excited to start putting it together, though coding is still tough and time consuming for me.