Lately my dreams have been largely unpleasant, but I had one I felt compelled to write down for once instead of trying to forget it: I was working and a mother was trying to book tickets to a football game for her son and their wheelchair-bound grandmother. The booking process was becoming more and more convoluted and it was taking me so long to finish it that they were in danger of losing their seats. "You're the first one to ever try to book football tickets with us" I remarked as I kept copying the impossibly long passcode. The son looked a bit like a very young Jack Black and not at all dressed like a teen into football would be, with his black, ripped clothes and long hair. "Just a minute, if I don't get the whimsy on these just right, it won't accept the passcode" I said, and the passcode had changed again into including charming drawings of animals. Crocodile, dinosaur, monkey, it didn't matter, they all just HAD to have those reddened cheeks. I woke up before their tickets were successfully booked.

My last entry was so scattered that I felt I had some unfinished business unless I wrote another. The car broke down AGAIN and it looks like it might be difficult to fix. I feel bad for my grandpa when this happens, I know how much he hates not being able to do his errands freely and rely on my sister. When he's only home it also means that he's always turning on the heater when it's 65 degrees outside, and I can't work out unless I'm ok with him interrupting me (ah, the joys of a 600 sq ft house). Allergy season just started so I can't go outside for fresh air anymore, at least not more than I have to. The allergies have been killer on my jaw too, and a sore jaw when my allergies flare up was already something I was used to before I had problems with my TMJ. The more my muscles recover, the more I realize just how much pain I was in before, and somehow I feel like I'm able to tolerate it less now, but maybe that's just because I've been in nonstop pain since June.

Before I went in for my dental check-up, I was window shopping and saw Kinkoko Juice had Powder for sale in the shop. I hoped I could get her if my appointment went well, but I needed a lot more work than I thought (and I'm still not done!). Both of the Powders have sold by now and my heart is shattered... That's what I get for looking when I knew I didn't have the money to spend. I even made a mock-up of how I wanted Iris to look, and was ready to buy a wig and sealant for the face-up too. It doesn't help that my hours at work got cut again and my online sales aren't making up for it. I just hope one day that she can finally come home.

Today is actually my anniversary with Bear! We've been together for thirteen years now. It's funny, it doesn't feel like it's been that long at all. I didn't think I would make it this far, but I also had kind of blindly hoped I would be in a better place by now. Unfulfilled life goals aside, he's been my rock, the only person who understands me, and the love of my life. He does whatever I ask of him without complaint and is always thoughtful, sweet and supportive, and my biggest cheerleader. I don't want to gush too much, but I'm just really, really grateful he's in my life.

Oh yes, I wanted to talk about the Scott Pilgrim show! Actually, Scott Pilgrim reminds me a lot of our early years together, because he let me borrow all of his comics and the first concert we went to together was Anamanaguchi (back then his ringtone was Another Winter which to this day activates my fight or flight response because I only associate the song with him having to go home).

I know the general consensus is pretty divided... It seems that you either loved it or hated it. Personally I loved it! I know the bait and switch was a little mean (especially because the movie was... that) but I didn't mind that it wasn't a straight adaptation and went completely off course. Scott himself isn't the most interesting character to me so I was happy to see the evil ex crew get a little more fleshed out and for the focus to shift more towards Ramona. It makes the series feel, I don't know, more whole to me? The comic focuses on Scott, the show on Ramona. It makes sense in my head, anyway.

A lot of love got put into it! Actors from the movie came to reprise their roles, the music was amazing, and the characters had really come to life, and I laughed A LOT! I will say I wasn't a fan of all the blurring filters they used though, it was a little distracting and took away from the scenes at times. What else didn't I like? Poor Knives was treated poorly AGAIN! Scott (and the entire story for that matter) completely glosses over her and she's cast aside as a comic relief character along with Steven, but she does have a nice moment where she's learning to play the bass with Kim. Oh, but the ending of the show wouldn't have been possible without her either now that I think about it. I know a lot of people were disappointed in the ending particularly and I understand Nega Scott's absence makes everything feel less impactful (spoiler!! the biggest enemy was Scott himself all along!) but remember, this was Ramona's chance to shine! The theme is still the same to me even if they went about it in a different way: Scott and Ramona are both characters who have made some terrible mistakes, and they need to work on bettering themselves together if they want their relationship to work. The power of love prevails as long as you put in the effort and all that jazz. Maybe I'm just biased because I was happy to hear Michael Cera's voice as little as possible. Also, bread makes you fat.

I am INCREDIBLY embarrassed to admit this but despite Julie being my favorite character, I loved these two bozos in the show. It didn't help that Bear was teasing me on purpose, saying things like "Is that Chris Redfield?" and "Look it's your two types, the strong one and the pathetic one" while we watched. WHY AM I LIKE THIS!! WHATEVA~

I feel the creative itch coming back to me, slowly. I think that dream I had was me wanting to draw again. The thing is, I have loads of ideas! I just don't have the skill to back it up... I'm frustrated with how mediocre my skills are and that's why everything I draw is so simple, because I lack the patience to fully flesh out a piece before I give up. I tried a figure drawing session and was horrified at just how bad I am. No one starts out with a masterpiece though! Every piece of artwork looks like a shapeless, ugly blob until suddenly it starts to look like something... I struggle with that middle part the most and I often end up losing steam and leave things unfinished, lying to myself and saying I'll come back to it if I don't scrap it altogether. I want to work on something that's not a diary page for my site too! A new index page and my first shrine are what I have in mind but I also really need to fix up my room page and use iframes instead of the way it's set up now. What a mess. Every aspect of my life feels so messy right now.

On Sunday I went to a comm swap meet and wore a comfy casual outfit, my "Hollow Eyes" t-shirt with my Cosmic skirt, my bat collar and my glittery lace-up boots, along with my Cardcaptor Sakura heart bag! There were a couple of JSKs I wanted, but my dental work has been burning a hole in my wallet so I settled for a detachable collar. It was so nice to see everyone and chat! The evening was dark, cool, and rainy, that dreary sort of weather I adore because it's so hard to come by here. I didn't bother to straighten my bangs when the mist just makes them poof out.

One of my friends gave us Atsushi Sakurai photo cards to keep. I'm still in shock over the news... Rest in peace.

Oh, and Bear got the Splatoon 3 amiibos! I was surprised at just how huge big man is. They're so cute! That last Splatfest was totally rigged though, I don't remember having even one team handshake match.

The other day I had a conversation with some friends about how I always feel like I never belong anywhere, even in spaces I create. It's silly, but I like to joke that I am an alien who simply forgot why she came to Earth... Feeling like an eternal misfit is a feeling that's been familiar to me even from a young age. I want a deep connection, and yet I never find myself truly satisfied, so I cast wider and wider nets. I think that's why I keep my NC profile public too (and I'm nearning 100 followers? Surreal) and I've been able to make some mutuals at least, so I'm grateful for that. Anyway, my friends were all very sweet and supportive~ This feeling is just another in the sea of emotions humans experience I suppose, I just wish there was a way to alleviate it and the loneliness that follows.

Artwork by A Soft Wrongness

I also started working on my shelves! This is my magical girl shelf which isn't finished, but at least almost everyone has been dusted and posed again. It's definitely not the most exciting display, it's honestly kind of boring and the poses aren't great but it's clean and fresh, and that's all that matters to me right now! I haven't worked on it again since, but I have some ideas of what to work on next. Click for full view!

I wanted to talk about more things, like the Scott Pilgrim show (I actually liked it a lot to be honest!) and my progress on the Peter S. Beagle short stories (I bought volume 2!) but my mind fizzled out I guess. I just feel so gloomy... Our problems keep piling up and I feel myself becoming the opposite of the kind of person I want to be, cranky and miserable all the time. Even good things that should make me happy just pass through me like vapor and evaporate just as quickly. I want to believe things will get better, but I also don't want to remain hopeful while in such a fragile mental state. Skepticism protects the psyche.

There was nothing but bad news at the dentist. I'm trying to not be upset over how much work I need done, but I don't know how I'm going to afford it, especially because my hours at work got cut again. My wisdom teeth are almost all impacted, and they have never been an issue for me but there are complications if I don't get them removed. But then getting them removed might make my TMD even worse! So it's damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't want to think about it right now, but I'm going back tomorrow to get my treatment started.

I finally started cleaning my shelves and opened Hina Ichigo!! She's soooo cute, doesn't she heal your heart just by looking at her? And she comes with her unyuu (strawberry daifuku)! I'd like to have the entire house cleaned and organized by the new year, but I already know how slow I am at getting things done, plus the chronic pain doesn't help either. Either way, I'm excited to have a clean room again eventually! When my room is disorganized, my mind feels disorganized too... It's strange how I lose things way more often in this room despite it being the smallest. I boxed up some of my Nendoroids and as sad as it is to possibly part with them, weeding out my collection just had to be done.

I've been having some trouble with eyestrain so I haven't gotten far in Psychonauts 2, love every single thing about it though! I will say I miss Whispering Rock a lot, the Motherlobe is just not as fun to explore but maybe my opinion will change later. Instead I've been playing more Tokimemo and got 3 endings so far! Wakaouji really is my prince!!! The way he's so gentle and sweet, and secretly mourns his lost youth when you get to know him better really got me. When I look at my screencaps, there's so many of him. Eventually I'd like to make a page chronicling my experience with all three DS Tokimemo games and maybe make a little shrine for him. Hope no one takes your place, Waka-chama!

I wanted to scream when he revealed he drinks his coffee like that. Waka-chama, I really hope you remember which one is your coffee beaker!! That's not food safe! And speaking of lab safety, a lot of fanart depicts him wearing sandals, what's up with that? Surely he knows better...

The next ending I got was Komori's. "I want to take your hand and drag you outside with me!!" is what I thought, and he had some sweet moments but honestly his route wasn't worth the effort...

SERIOUSLY, HIS HAIRCUT IS SO UGLY!! What a downgrade! Did he ask for the just fuck me up special? I couldn't take him seriously when he confessed to me.

The most recent route I finished was Shiba's. I really like most of the guys in this game so I think I'll go for 3 more! Saeki is very popular so I can't wait to see how the prince of the game's route unfolds~

Sorry Shiba! I really did think your route was boring... I like your protectiveness, but your mind is completely blank except for baseball. It's a shame, because his voice and design are great but I guess I just don't like sporty types.

It's been really lonely lately since Bear has been sick... Normally I love my alone time, but this year things are just different. He stopped by yesterday to see me for a bit and have some soup, plus he surprised me with a ps4 copy of Psychonauts 2!! I actually backed it when it was still being crowdfunded, but I thought by now I'd have a new computer, so I have two copies of it that I can't play... I'm so happy, I'm going to play more tonight. I'm so happy to see my son Raz again!! He's just adorable.

I started up the 2nd Tokimemo Girl's Side game, and was immediately drawn to Wakaouji... "Ah, his name means young prince? How cute" I thought when I first met him in game. He's too soft, completely different from Himurrochi so the students call him Waka-sama and Waka-chan!! I want to call him Waka-chama though...

Honestly, the company of anime boys really does make you feel less lonely.

I've been playing DDR again as my daily workout! I'm back to being able to do 8 footers, but I'm not sure if I can get much better than that, I just get tired too quickly and can't build the eye-body coordination. I found an official Konami pad from a flea market ages ago but for some reason I still prefer my offbrand pad that I've had since I was 13. It makes me want to make some DDR merch! I don't know, is that too niche? I really love Zukin and all her different versions, Baby-Lon, Akira and Yuni. Anything with Zukin is sure to be recognized by fans, but I'm not so sure about the others...

I own so many DDR games but the first one I owned is still my favorite, Extreme 2. It was the first game I got with my ps2, and it has my favorite song, Injection of Love by Akira Yamaoka. Currently I'm playing Max 2 since I realized I haven't tried it out since I bought it, but I wish it had a free play mode!

It's been all games and nearly no drawing these past weeks... I just feel so creatively bankrupt lately and disconnected from art. I'm happy that I can enjoy playing games again like this, but it feels like a part of me is missing. Maybe that's the wrong word. Not missing, just misplaced I suppose. I'm going to play more games for now.

They finally made him!! He's SO adorable and I'm glad they made Muffin too! I have six BAB plush already but it would be nice to have a Purin I can snuggle with. Death by stuffed animal avalanche is probably how I'm going to die.

Happy November! I'm really looking forward to the holiday food towards the end of the month. I'm not in agony like I was, but eating is still difficult for me and my jaw sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies cereal, lol. I'm definitely in the mood for stuffing, mashed potatoes, macaroni, and more!! I can't wait!

On Halloween, Bear and I took a nice walk and went to get ramen for dinner like I wanted to! It was so nice to dress up, I haven't worn lolita since my birthday. I've lost a lot of weight since June which is probably the only silver lining about this whole mess, and I fit my clothes a lot better. We're also trying to be more active and went to the park for a long walk on the trail. It was wonderful and I finally got to wear the Pop Team Epic x Pompompurin sweater my friend gifted me! Oh, and I also got to play on the swings since the park was empty. I haven't done that in a long time.

I'm halfway through the collection of Peter S. Beagle short stories by now, I actually took a break from reading The Grapes of Wrath (which admittedly is too bleak for me to read right now despite the enjoyment I was getting out of it) to read them. I loved the story about Lady Death and a pair of siblings who get mixed up in witchcraft, but Lila the Werewolf was just strange. I definitely didn't expect to read about a woman suffering the humiliation of being in heat. Her boyfriend is a useless man who only stays with her because he is too cowardly to break up, and I hated all the animal deaths. Although I didn't care for it much, somehow I don't think it'll be my least favorite story when I finish the book. It's memorable if anything.

I can't believe there's an Invincible Nendoroid... The second season started! I'm excited to see where it goes and I'm still flabbtergasted by Omni-Man being a DLC character in Mortal Kombat. Oh and speaking of superhero junk, we finished Gen V!! The final episode was crazy and I can't wait for the newest season of The Boys and see how this series ties into it!!

I think I'm done playing the first Tokimeki Memorial Girl's Side game, I got four endings, I guess five since my first playthrough was a bust (do NOT play this game blind) and I got the sad little brother ending. Kei's ending was ADORABLE, Madoka is great (and my friend's favorite ) and I desperately wish Jin had a full route. I wanted to try to get Chiharu's ending too, but I'm a little burnt out... I'm debating on whether I want to play the second game right away or take a break and buy...

It looks sooooo cute!!! I think I need to play some relaxing stuff like this for now. I've been trying to play more DMC and W101 but I'm just not in the mood to play action games at the moment, I guess...