+ April 2023
+ March 2023

Layout by: Lovely Designs

Yesterday afternoon I went shopping at the book store. I was supposed to be buying gifts for some upcoming birthdays, but I ended up also buying stuff for myself too! Bad! There was even more I wanted to get, like Bunny and some beautiful hardcover compilations of Peter S. Beagle's works but I decided to hold off on those because I was surprised by one of the art books they had in stock!

There was only one copy of the Scorn art book and there was no way I was going to pass it up. It's so gorgeous!! I also got some Sylvanian Family babies because those were the last two of their kind, their eyes enticed me... Time to surround my giant Chris statue.

I went to to my two co-worker's house for dinner. Well, I say they are my co-workers but I've really found friends in them. They are such wonderful and inspiring women and despite everything they've been through, they remain kind and patient, always. We had BBQ and it was delicious!! Afterwards, they brought out a cake with an adorable star shaped sparkler and sang to me. The cake was even better than the meat, with whipped cream and lots of strawberries! It was really hard to not cry, I felt so appreciated. They have a wonderful home filled with lots of furry, friendly babies! I'm very determined to paint them something as a thank you, especially because they recently lost one of their angels.

My Creamy Mami diary theme is ready for June! I really like the way it came out and I'm glad, because I've been stuck in my usual cycle where I hate everything I make and want to trash it all... I've been reading on other people's pages about how much they've learned about HTML/CSS in a short span of time and I thought about how I started working on this site a couple of months ago but I still don't feel like I know anything. I guess I have learned a thing or two, since it took me a whole week to code just three pages of my site (and this was before I had a diary!) and now I can whip up a new page in an hour or two. Don't look at my code though please! I know it's an incoherent mess, but it's my mess. That's my problem, I keep half-assing things because if I can skirt by, why bother to learn anything properly? I'm so lazy!

On Wednesday, I wore my Telephone JSK for the first time in years. It's an older piece, from 2007, and because it's in such good condition for its age, I'm always so hesitant to wear it, especially because it was a dream dress... I often look in my closet and think "I have to save this for a special occasion so it won't wear out so quickly" but no matter how well taken care of an object is, it's no match for the decay of time. Objects often feel like they have souls to me. Despite us being in an era of mass production and over-consumption, and it being easier to produce goods than it ever was before, a human still has to be part of that process somewhere along the line. It just makes sense that objects would carry part of our souls, no matter how microscopic. I don't want to be afraid of wearing my things anymore. I want to wear them and care for them and repair them, over and over until they're in tatters, so that I can say thank you, for the memories and for serving me so well over the years (you don't need to tell me, I know my way of thinking is strange!). I read a wonderful piece by Ferro that also touches on this subject, and I guess it got me thinking. I scrubbed the lace of my JSK afterwards before washing. It was so nice to give her the care she deserves.

I got my shirt from Sitri!! She is SUCH a talented, insanely creative and hard-working artist and I am so, so lucky to be friends with her. She even sent me some stickers!!

I got some other surprises as well! I said I didn't want anyone to remember my birthday... but trying to hide it didn't work, LOL. Another friend painted me this Chris! She remembered that I want us to go to Sanrio Puroland together!! I WILL make him wear the Pompompurin ears! I was so touched, I was really emotional opening her gift.

She also drew me a Chris with wolf ears which I will not be showing because that is for my eyes only!

Next, my penpal wrote me back!! I couldn't believe her timing!! She's amazing, I can't wait to read the book and the Phantom of the Opera teddy is sooo soft and cute! Apparently the Broadway show finally ended recently, after 35 years. I'm sad, I always wanted to go (now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure my mom went and I remember seeing pictures she took in an old photo album, probably on a disposable camera)! But nothing lasts forever, right? I already started shopping for her birthday, which is next week~ Her package will be a little late but that's ok. Happy Gemini season!

Bear got me the newest Kirby Nendoroid! He is SOOOO cute, I had sworn off any more of the Kirby Nendos because of the issue with them becoming sticky, but he got him for me anyway. The bag is one we've been using, back and forth for each other's gifts for years! I love seeing it again, even if it's all beat up and torn in places by now. It's very sentimental~ We went shopping for a bit and then to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I had never been before! He got me a slice of strawberry cheesecake earlier like I always crave, so after dinner (I ordered chicken piccata, delicious!) I wanted chocolate instead.

They were also with me of course!

Shopping haul! Naruto potato chips in pink salt and scrambled egg flavor which we have yet to try, a portfolio for art prints when I table, stationary and stickers, socks, a plush pin, and a coaster! I guess I really am an adult now that I feel the need to own coasters, LOL.

There was no way I could resist these stickers!! That one in the cap is totally me!

I also got a package from HK!! Everyone's package always makes me cry... She's leaving soon to her new job and I felt especially happy that she took the time to gift me something before she left, and everything in it is so perfect. She always knows what to get me! She got me my first Skelanimal!! When I was a teenager I remember meaning to get the Kit or Diego backpack, but Jae is absolutely PERFECT and I know my inner 13-year-old wolfaboo would have been ecstatic over him. I love the Gloomy baby plush too, he has real claws!! The Purin is reversible, and it's really funny to give him two buttholes at the same time.

It's been such a whirlwind of a week! The incident going over to my mom's house (the BBQ was good though), a 12 hour shift where I accidentally had too much caffeine to push through (never again), having to miss the yearly festival. June (and Summer in general) is going to be so busy! But I have to keep going. That's all I can do, right? For now, I want to take a break. I am very blessed.

I am feeling like such a lazy fuckin' bear these days. I am getting things done at a steady pace, but it takes me a while to do even simple tasks. I guess that's just how I am though, I prefer to do things at my own pace without being rushed. Oh, I finally found a scent for Integra! We got some new body butters at work, and there is one that's a dark chocolate mint. It smells so good and rich! It reminds me of Christmas in a way, like peppermint bark. Unfortunately, a customer wiped out the limited stock we had when she asked me which one I recommend, so I didn't get to buy one for myself... That's ok though, I know we'll re-stock it eventually and I stashed the tester away so I can smell and use it whenever I want.

Bear and I went to the arcade again the other day since we actually haven't gone in a couple of weeks. It was fun to go back! We came back home with some spoils:

They're multiplying!! Soon I won't be able to sleep on my bed at all, or they will all cause an avalanche and suffocate me in my sleep, what a way to go that would be. Yesterday I re-watched Rilakkuma and Kaoru with a couple of friends and it was just as wonderful as the first time. The dancing snowman scene still makes me cry!

A Cinna for my friend! The Sanrio 2023 popularity polls are ending soon and I just know this piece of soap is going to get first, AGAIN. He's lucky he's so cute, and kudos to him for finally getting me into LINE Camera frame buying hell. At least I stopped buying stickers for the messenging app finally.

I had been trying to get this Giyu since last month! Finally! It felt like such a victory to finally obtain him. He was in the smaller claw machines and the boxes are often too heavy to be picked up at all, you have to stand them up and topple them into the hole.

Bear bought us dinner, so I got sesame chicken. Sometimes you just need some delicious, deep fried Chinese food you know? The next day I was about to eat my leftovers after cleaning up and I realized Bear had bought me these plates when we went to Tuesday Morning for the first time (which is closing all stores I heard)! I used one to eat lunch.

I love ceramic, decorative plates like this... When we moved out of the old house after my grandma passed away, we had to toss out most of the house in a hurry and a lot of sentimental items got lost in the mix. I really took for granted those little things I saw and used everyday, like our dishware and the household decor. When I have my own place I want my dishware to mostly be ceramic. Really, what I'm going for is what I lovingly call my "grandma weeb" aesthetic. Doilies, lace, florals everywhere. A bathroom with potpourri. A Miku here and there. At least I was able to save our kitty:

This picture is not mine, but this is her. She needs some deep cleaning, but she's safe in my cupboard.

I've been asked if I have a button for my site and I've even been linked to on mutual's pages. When I made this site a button was the last thing on my mind... Who would want to browse the site and read the ramblings of some random soon-to-be-29-year-old woman with childish interests? Part of me wants to say "I really didn't expect to be found!" since I left my site untagged but I suppose if that really were true, I wouldn't have made a public website or followed anyone at all in the first place. I suppose I will make a button and a links page for mutuals and friends then, sometime soon. So if you are reading this... thank you.

P.S. - I compiled the sketches of my NMH assassin sona!! I think this makes things a tiny bit more interesting than just plain 'ol me, even if she is still just me in a hat, haha. I want to work on finishing these tomorrow, but I don't know. We'll see. Click for full view!

Whoa, four days off from work?! That never happens to me unless I'm working at a convention! I guess I should be worried about my upcoming paycheck, but I'm just happy to be home. My co-worker actually asked me to come in on Wednesday morning but I didn't see her message and call until an hour later. Sorry! I needed the "vacation" anyway... I could feel myself burning out and I've been spending the last few days chipping away at my room page (which is maybe 1/3 of the way done at this point) and a commission for a friend. It's just about done, I was worried at first but I think it came out pretty nice! She loves it too so far.

I'm having more bad luck with merch, but despite that, I think my mood is stable again. While working on my room page I realized how much of my collection was gifted to me and I thought about my loved ones and the love and kindness they've shown me... It made me feel guilty for having such negative thoughts towards myself. I'm sorry. I think a big contributing factor was drawing again. When I don't draw, I get sick. I sometimes joke that if I don't draw, I'll die, but maybe there is some truth to it... I made a NMH assassin sona! When I was in high school and played it for the first time, I thought I'd like my weapon to be a parasol with some secrets inside. A little boring I suppose, but I do think there is beauty in simplicity! I'd show the sketches, but I'm actually a little embarrassed of my yume art lately, it's just so low quality! My scribbles can stay in my sketchbook where they belong until they're ready to be polished.

Bear came over yesterday with a hangover for the first time in his life (at 32!) so I took care of him as he did for me last month when I also drank too much for the first time. We're both not really drinkers, so I think we are going to keep away from alcohol for a while after that, haha!

My April AmiAmi order arrived. I'm still bummed about the jacket, but at least I was able to get part of my order. I think I will wait to build Big O until I get my new bed set up because if I clean and re-arrange my shelves now, they might get ruined when the mattress inevitably has to squeeze through that door and bump into everything. The funniest thing is that I got an invoice for my May order before my April order arrived.

I wanted to talk about a little about perfumes/scents for your f/os because I think it's such a cute concept!! There was a site I was looking at to make a custom perfume, but I don't know enough about what notes work together well enough to confidently spend money on something like that. There are some characters that have official perfumes like Vash and Chris, but they are pretty much impossible to import through mail. I have bought a handful of items already though so I thought I'd share:

The first one is called Grave by The Parlor Company. I saw the name and instantly thought of Grave from the name alone...

The perfume is such a nice and light scent that smells of roses! Now, this guy definitely would not smell like roses, but he is dead so I love the imagery of mixing something delicate like flowers with his rough image (a reoccuring theme I have with most of my fictional husbands, LOL).

The Grave perfume was nice, but I also bought this roll-on oil called Graveyard Roses by L'apothicaire Co. (not pictured above but the packaging is the same). This one is much better! The oil means it lasts longer and the scent does smell like roses but with an earthy touch, like they were freshly dug up from the ground. I love it!! The bottle of Grave may be cuter, but this is the one I go for again and again, and it's portable.

The last themed item is this coffin wax melt from Graveyard Wanders called Afterlife. The green color combined with the scent of smoke, cedarwood and cocoa reminded me of Chris. It smells soooo good!! I've been rationing the pieces. Integra would be easy to find a scent for as well, but I'm picky so I need to be on the lookout. Smoke, for sure. But maybe a mint or eucalyptus scent? A light cologne? Now if only I could figure out something for Travis... In TSA he states he doesn't wear any artificial scents, but I think I could bully him into wearing something for me.

I feel so far away from everyone lately, like I am adrift at sea and I am watching everyone at the shore laugh and play and live their lives, loved ones and strangers alike. Bear came over to help anchor me, the strawberry lemonade and caramel apple we shared was very nice. I hate Summer, but I'm looking forward to May being over. I think I will edit this layout and make a Creamy Mami theme for June, which is exciting to think about. I've been wanting to re-watch it lately. Mami-chan really is such an angel!!

AmiAmi re-shipped my April order, but of course the thing I was looking forward to the most, the jacket, was sold out so I had to take a refund. How disappointing... but it is what it is. The shipping method couldn't be changed so here's hoping DHL doesn't lose my order a second time. I wonder who has my jacket.

I ordered the black one. For a short period of time, pre-orders for the green one popped back up again but my Chris jacket is already a similar color and most of my wardrobe is black anyway, so I didn't want two jackets in a color I don't ofen wear.

Speaking of AmiAmi, I thought I would instantly pre-order Guts, but I haven't. He's really cute, but I kept thinking about how Nendos really are just glorified Pops at this point with how fast they get churned out and I laugh again and close the pre-order tab. Maybe if I see him in person I'll change my mind? I don't know.

Besides Guts (and Schierke, I want to protect her!!), Judeau is my favorite Berserk character.
Gone too soon... keep thotting it up in heaven, king.

I thought about deleting last night's entry out of worry I'm being too negative, but I made this site for myself so I want to be able to speak my mind, even if others may see it. Maybe a written diary would be better, but I fuss over my handwriting too much and I can type much faster than I can handwrite. I think it's important to document the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I don't have any other place to put down these things except on a canvas, which doesn't always translate well.

My mom loved the flowers!! She was speechless. I took her out to dinner, she got a steak and I got spaghetti. Her steak was delicious. I let her take my leftover spaghetti home, it was a lot! It was nice to spend time together. I have a complex relationship with my mom... She had me way too young, and she made a lot of mistakes. But I don't want to be resentful over the past anymore, she has apologized for everything anyway, which I am grateful for. The hardest part about spending time with her is thinking about grandma. We always end up crying, but I think we both already cried our eyes out for the day, her at church, and me at work, haha. We may be very different, but there are still traces of her in me. I used to hate how much everyone gushed about me being the spitting image of her, but I don't mind that anymore.

My co-worker asked if I could cover her shift tomorrow suddenly. I'm disappointed, I was really looking forward to my day off tomorrow, especially because I have a commission with a tight deadline but I've seen how horribly ill she gets and I want her to be able to see the doctor. I'm not confident she will be able to work her other shift either, but we'll see. Chronic illness is so evil.

I usually get my coffee at work, but today I tried the new white chocolate macadamia cold brew from Starbucks. It was really good! I think it might be my favorite cold brew yet. I was able to make some half-baked sketches of Iris too in between customers. Drawing her calms my heart... I love her so much. I'm already unhappy with the artwork of her on my splash and home pages. I get sick of looking at my art very quickly, which is another reason why I don't draw all of my assets myself. I'll make something better, but it's going to take some time. Taking it day by day.

Perhaps I hate May even more than April. It's Mother's Day. I bought my mom some pretty flowers so I hope she likes them. She and I have the same favorite flower, sunflowers. But she doesn't like carnations like I do... they just remind her of grandma's casket. I miss her so much. I still replay that last week in my head, from home to the hospital, and finally in her hospice bed, unable to speak or move anymore. I should be thinking of the good memories. Late night snack sessions, all the movies we watched together, waiting for her to get off the phone, her shielding me from my mom's temper. Playing computer games together, picking her up from bingo, the comfort of her cooking, watching her re-dye her hair, going to la pulga together. I couldn't buy her the final meal she wanted because I thought we had a little more time and I was saving for something. I'm evil. The Mother's Day balloons make me feel ill when I look at them, so I have to avert my gaze.

I'm going to enter the final year of my 20s soon. I'm actually shocked I made it this far, but somehow I did. I don't want anyone to remember my birthday, so I took off every trace of it I could from most spaces I'm in. My grandpa always forgets it too, but it's better this way. I dont want to celebrate. I don't think my birth is worth celebrating. I'm trying so hard to practice gratitude or keep my hands busy, but nothing is working. I only feel frustration and my motivation waning. No matter how hard I try, I just get my head dunked back into the water. I feel sorry for everyone who has invested anything in me when I am worthless. I know these feelings are irrational though. They'll pass, they always do.

A customer at work told me the reason why I've never seen a ghost is because I'm not open to it. I don't know. It's not that I'm not open to seeing one, I've just simply never seen one. Really, I dislike the whole "ghost hunting" thing. It feels disrespectful to use the souls of people for your own amusement, especially ouija boards. The dead should rest until it is time for us to connect with them, on their terms, not ours.

I've had the past couple of days off from work, and I'm really grateful. You know, it's kind of scary how much hormones can affect your mood. I always get a drastic drop in mood right before my period, but thankfully this month was relatively tame, just the usual melancholy. My lower back is so sore though! I want a backrub, and I can't wait for this to be over...

I watched Unicorn Warriors Eternal with some friends tonight! I had mentioned seeing it the other night on TV, but caught the tail end of it so while I was intrigued, I didn't know what was going on yet. I'm glad we watched it together! I'm a big fan of Genndy Tartakovsky's work (though I'm still not happy over Samurai Jack's ending...) so seeing another show by him, especially in this Tezuka inspired style is super cool. I can't wait to see where it goes!

We went out for a tea and toiletries run the other day and we encountered a horde of Pikachu Squishmallows. I tried my best to convince Bear not to get him for me, but he wouldn't budge! Admittedly, he is a better pillow than my actual pillows. I've already drooled on him a little while sleeping, oops! And he's soooo cute.

I got some unexpected mail today. At first I didn't remember what it was at all, but then I opened it up and remembered instantly!! That face says it all~

It was my Travis charm/acrylic stand from Cez! I'm very happy with him and I think instead of displaying him as a stand he will go in my ita bag. I actually finished putting together both my Travis and Chris ita bags a while back, their merch used to be in the same bag because I wanted them to both always be with me... but it was so messy! I needed to be more uniform, so I bought separate bags for them even though it pained me to separate them.

I'm happy with the bag choice for Travis, but the layout is horrible... I fussed with it for a couple of hours until giving up. I chose the smaller version of the bag, but I was surprised at how much merch I've accumulated over the years so maybe I should buy the big one after all, especially since I want to make self-ship merch for myself for it. The insert for the bag is also very terrible! It's way too thick so pins can't be secured properly. I think part of the reason why it took so long to assemble was because the pins kept falling out of place. I don't want to have to make my own because I'm lazy, but I might have to. It's a work in progress!

I'm much happier with how my Chris bag turned out. There's some new items for it too but they'll be added later.

Back to work with my helper. I need to get this done tomorrow! It's already fully colored, I just need to render now. Hopefully it looks good printed. Oh, and AmiAmi contacted me about my lost order! They might be able to do a re-shipment, but I hope I can pay extra for EMS instead. We'll see. Fingers crossed it all works out.

It's a new week, and I'm waiting to go into work again. Yesterday was pretty miserable, a water pipe burst on the whole street in addition to the problem we had at our house and I was unable to take a shower at all. I had to bust out the bucket and bathe, shave, and wash my hair with bottled water. I haven't had to do that in a long time... But all of our water issues are fixed now! I will never not be thankful to be able to shower every day, it is such a luxury to have a nice hot shower. We are also entering full Summer mode, yuck! It's hot, it's humid, and the mosquitoes, flies, wasps, and roaches are thriving again. I hate when this time of year rolls around, especially because it means I have to be very strict about only doing laundry in the daytime, the flying roaches in the garage come out to play at night when it's this warm.

I got a card from a friend as a thank you for the card I sent her on Easter!! She's sooo sweet, she sent me these Chris stickers! I don't even want to use them, just admire them!

She also drew me a Chris for my card!! I love him sooo much, I want to hang him up with all of my other cards. I have them right here at my desk so I can always look at them when I am using my computer or drawing.

I changed the sheets today, and they're all piled on, waiting to be re-arranged. Be patient!

It's already almost time to get ready to go in... I can't wait for my day off so I can properly draw, I'm working six days in a row because some of my co-workers are out. I need an afternoon coffee.

I'm waiting to go into work, so I thought I'd write an entry. We have a leak underneath our stairs (again) and the landlord has been impossible to get a hold of, even his voicemail is full. Every landlord I've met personally has been a rotten person, but this one really takes the cake in how neglectful he is. He even has to be reminded to pick up the rent because he doesn't take payment online. What kind of landlord takes a week to come and pick up his money? Forget about any maintenance down here, if we don't do it ourselves it never gets done. My grandpa shut off the water because he is going to repair the broken pipe himself. I desperately need to take a shower, there is no way I can go to work like this. I can't wait to wash my hair and shower...

Alright, well complaints aside, what really prompted me to make today's entry was the fact that it's Resident Evil Village's 2nd anniversary. Happy anniversary! I had always been into Resident Evil casually (I even saw the first movie in theaters as a kid, where I fell in love with Michelle Rodriguez), but as a teenager I took the route of a Silent Hill fan with the intention of getting into RE later. Boy, had I wish I started sooner! Bear and I played through Village together, and as we progressed I excitedly talked about the game with HK. We joked a lot about Chris being hot and it was just joking around, at first. That's how it sometimes starts for me... I was in denial. I had just fallen in love with Vash the year prior, I didn't want to be hit by Cupid's arrow again so soon! But I was powerless to stop it, and sometime in June...

I couldn't deny it anymore. I had marked him, and he was mine. The obsessive behavior started once again and I was thrown into it, full swing. It's fun, to be in one of these obsessive states. It gives me something to look forward to and makes life a lot more colorful. I had fallen, and I had fallen hard. I felt guilty at first, Travis was on the sidelines again. I've spoken to this to my yume friends but it is a little difficult for me to picture myself with Travis because he has a love interest the whole series, and she is gorgeous and looks nothing like me. I know it's insane to compare myself to a fictional character but I've always been insecure about my features. In fact, many women in game were throwing themselves at him (sometimes quite literally, LOL). I guess this is why some guys view him as a male power fantasy, even though no one could ever be as cool as him. He makes my heart flutter, but it seems I still struggle with only viewing him as an idol and not someone who would be attracted to and love me.

God, I love my friends.

Village was amazing! I'm a little disappointed about the DLC, I wanted to know more about the Hound Wolf Squad if I'm being honest... A little after finishing Village I decided to start playing the other games and now Resident Evil Remake is one of my favorite games of all time (though I prefer to play as Jill and not Chris, shh). I've bought other games (so far: og 2, 3, 4, 0, and 5!) , but sadly life has gotten in the way and they've been sitting and gathering dust. I just want to be able to play games guilt-free again, but thankfully now that I've graduated from doomscrolling on social media and imageboards, I can now utilize that time in other ways. I recently started up 5, I love Sheva!! She's sooo cute, please bring her back Capcom!

My mini shrine, October 2022 and now. It took me months after I bought that big statue (he's huge!) to actually put him up because looking at him flustered me so much. I still want to cover him with a cloth sometimes... My Chris nendo has a doll body now and he's sitting down below with Travis! Click for full view.

Well, the worst case scenario happened. DHL officially lost my package. I'm really disappointed with their unprofessionalism. I did consistently get a call every day, but only for the customer service representative to ask if I had gotten my package yet and if not, he would call back again the next day. I inquired about where the driver dropped off my package so I could check myself (because surely those trucks have some sort of GPS tracking or records right?) only to be met with "he doesn't remember" as a response! What garbage! I've been shopping at AmiAmi since 2015, but only started using DHL 3 years ago over EMS because it was cheaper, faster, and higher quality than EMS... until now. I'll never use DHL again. Of course it had to be one of my higher value orders too, usually when I order from AmiAmi it's a single figure, but this order was worth over 200 dollars. I've contacted AmiAmi already and they got back to me, but it's going to take weeks for it to get resolved... I just want what I ordered.

Can I get an F for my lost order? All I know is if I see anyone around town wearing that jacket I'm going to be very suspicious and ready to throw hands.

I thought about making a page for things I witnessed or overheard conversations, but I don't know where I'd put it or if I'd use it frequently enough. I've always been the wallflower sort, it is more amusing to watch people than actually interact most of the time. Today at work a man was on the phone, talking about how his uncle's illness has completely transformed him and acknowledged his last visit was to say goodbye. I wanted to offer my condolences, but he left before the conversation was finished (nor would it be appropriate to butt into his business).

A group of morticians came in. "This is a mortician's store, this is a mortician's store!" they kept saying. It turns out, they really all were morticians! They encouraged me to get into the trade as it's something I was always interested in. I don't know... I am content with my job situation for now. Mortuary school seems really tough, and I don't like the idea of a job with an inflexible schedule. They were such a lovely group of women.

On the drive to get bubble tea, I saw a car pulling out of a local burger joint's parking lot. Their food was on top of their car and it fell off!! We yelled and laughed together as we witnessed it happening, fries toppling out of the bag. I hope they were able to get their food replaced.

" It was always spring in her forest, because she lived there, and she wandered all day among the great beech trees, keeping watch over the animals that lived in the ground and under bushes, in nests and caves, earths and treetops. Generation after generation, wolves and rabbits alike, they hunted and loved and had children and died, and as the unicorn did none of these things, she never grew tired of watching them. "

I want to play more Splatoon before bed. The blue ink is so pretty!!

Happy Splatfest!! I'm mad because Bear is picking a team that's different from me for the first time, grr!! I picked wisdom and he picked power because he likes Ganondorf. All joking aside, even though I'm working the whole weekend, I am thankful they are morning shifts because when I get home I'm going to play to my heart's content! I haven't been able to play Splatoon for over a week now and I want to relax and enjoy my weekend.

My Chris plush from Pliskin arrived! I honestly wanted to get Wesker and Jill too, but I had to settle for choosing just Chris. I love him! When Bear was over today he grabbed Travis and Chris and pretended to make them fight, complete with growling noises until I "broke up" the fight (I'm going to have to get them a get along shirt). He's so silly! He always knows how to make me laugh and cheer me up, and is really supportive of my yume habits because he knows how much it helps keep my bad feelings at bay

We went to get dinner! I got a banh mi burger and a rosehip lemonade with jelly. Delicious!

I worked on the media section of the site a little bit more today and it made me realize that a lot of my site is assets from other artists... it makes me feel like a fraud in a way, that I couldn't even make something that's 100% mine but if I decided to make everything from scratch, nothing would ever get done because the pressure would be too great. This is my personal space, so I don't really want to worry about things like that, but I do need to be better about documenting where I save things from so I can credit properly.

Goodnight from dreamland!

It took all three of my days off to finish my to-do list, but I did it! All orders, commissions, and a gift was packed and sent today just in time before the post office closed. The worker there is really nice, but he is always exhausted. He remarked about how I work two jobs and he doesn't know how I do it, but I definitely struggle with balancing things, hahaha. I should be happy about getting everything done, but I just feel melancholic again... it's not one singular thing, but a bunch of little things nibbling at my flesh and even prevented me from joining my friends listening to music because I am feeling so sick and anxious... Usually this is just a sign that I need to go to bed though, so hopefully I feel better in the morning.

Something good... Oh! I went to Texas Roadhouse recently for the first time, now I can say I'm a true blue cowboy. The best thing about it was definitely the bread, I'm usually not a huge bread person but their bread was delicious! I'm craving it again, no wonder they are always very busy despite the area being full of other restaurant choices. It was a lot of food though, at least we had breakfast the next day because of it!

With my media page template done, I'm already thinking about the final section of the site I need to start: a page for my room! I don't think I'll make it fancy or anything, just a little page to show off my collections and my wardrobe. I actually need to re-do my shelves, but I can showcase old photos for now. My displays take a long time to do because I put a lot of thought into them, and everyone gets taken down and cleaned individually. It's a labor of love, but looking at my shelves always makes me happy so I don't mind maintaining it. I also thought about making an RSS feed... I know I said I genuinely didn't think anyone would read my site, but there is enough evidence that people do read it, and I do love being organized. Soon! It takes me a long time to do things, but I get around to it eventually.

Today was semi-productive, I didn't quite cross off everything on my to-do list but I'm very close to it! The biggest hurdle of the day was working on commissions, I need to make a big trip to the post office tomorrow and everything needs to be done so I can send it all at once.

This one is ready to be colored in the morning! I don't want to force myself, I'd rather work on art when I'm rested.

DHL lost my package... I'm hoping they can recover it, but I'm really worried because it was "delivered" on Friday so someone must have forged my signature. Customer service opened a ticket for me on Monday, but they kind of made it sound like it was my fault for waiting so long even though their customer service is closed on the weekends. It was a bigger order too.

It was the Big O Moderoid model kit, my Trigun jacket, and a small Vash charm. I've heard some horror stories about DHL, but they were so good for me up until this point so it's really disappointing. What would you want to do with a weaboo woman's order anyway?

I'm feeling that pining again... There are just so many cool women online who create or do neat things and I just think "I want to be your friend!!" but sometimes the pining is so bad that it is painful. Even though I am surrounded by so many wonderful women, my brain still tricks me into feeling lonely for some reason. I think it's because while I do have close friends who I love dearly (though I've been feeling more distant lately since life is so busy once again and some of the girls have disappeared...), I don't have a best friend anymore after mine ditched me on my birthday years ago. I miss having that female friend to be the first person I share news with, to talk to every single day, who just gets me and I get her. It's 100% my own issue, but I've always had a problem with feeling like an outsider and pulling away because I don't think my company is valuable.

"I don't want to bother you."
The excuse I give every time, sometimes I have the strength to ignore it but it's difficult. It's complete nonsense, right? I know! And it makes me sound so ungrateful for the friendships I have!

Maybe one day I will find the Usakumya to my Kumakumya, but I don't want to worry about that anymore. I only want to focus on nurturing the relationships I already have, because I really am thankful and I know I am loved, just as I love everyone. It's sappy, but that's how I feel.

It's May now! I meant to make this entry last night before bed, but the clock had already struck midnight so I figured I'd just get some rest and make it in the morning. April was difficult, as it always is. It was a month filled with frustration and misunderstandings, uncertainty and grief, wasted time and missed opportunities. But I think those last few days really saved it!

I went to a concert! I decided that if there is an artist I want to see, I will be content to go by myself, and I'm so glad I did! I had a blast! I still have regrets over not going to see Tennis, and I didn't want to repeat my mistake. It was a seated ticket high up, so all of my pictures and videos aren't great, but I didn't feel like getting in the pit... I just wanted to sit down with a drink and enjoy myself. I got a long sleeve shirt to match my friend in another city who also went to see them recently

Con haul! It's so hard to resist fun little trinkets... especially stickers for my hoard!

My goal was to make enough money to buy a new bed, and I did! My mattress is so old, I've been sleeping on springs for a while and often wake up with back pain like a little old lady. The price wasn't the only reason I hesitated for so long, there were other factors too (like how getting it up here to the second floor is not going to be fun, nor assembling the frame) but good sleep is a necessity! It was so nice to see everyone, there were a lot of familiar faces, a lot of hugs and catching up (as well as you can in between sales). I also got a commission by someone who's favorite Obey Me boy is also Beel which was very exciting! That's something I'll have to work on and finish today since I wasn't able to finish any commissions while I was there.

My favorite piece out of my haul. Minty Mix is one of my favorite kawaii shops!!

Afterwards, we had dinner at a family style Chinese restaurant for a friend's birthday. It was so delicious! Though I always consider myself a huge hermit, it's undeniable how much seeing and chatting with everyone again brightens my mood.

One of the girls recently went on a trip to Japan and got some souvenirs for me! It was completely unexpected and so sweet!! She said the Kumya badge reminded her of me

After dinner, you guessed it... but it was a big group of us that went this time! Val helped me win the tiger we've been trying to get for weeks! I wanted him because a tiger is the animal that represents Travis (but just look at how silly and cute he looks, how could you not love him?). Bear also won his first figure, a Rock Lee! We usually have rotten luck with the machines that have figure prizes over plush, so it felt like a victory. We did overspend a bit, but since it was for a special occasion I let it slide.

Tokyo Mew Mew charms I also got from Val!! I'm going to start a Mew Mew ita bag soon, and these were perfect. Val makes so much amazing merch of niche interests that overlap with mine a lot. I just want to buy the entire store! Go support the shop, if you can

It is a little scary to be known. I used to be like a ghost, wandering around happily because I knew everyone but no one knew me. It was fun! Now I'm not a ghost anymore, I like it and I don't. There are times where I want to be perceived, and times I want to run away and disappear into the shadows forever, never to be found or remembered ever again. Online too, when I made this place I truly didn't think anyone would bother to look through it at all because I made it for myself and no one else. What surprises me the most is everyone's kindness, I suppose. I don't feel deserving of it... but that's a can of worms I won't open right now.

This mug was on sale for 6 dollars! I thought about leaving it there, but then I saw Rover's smiling face and I had to... The GameCube Animal Crossing will always be my favorite.

I recently moved the Twitter and Instagram icons on my phone to the second page. It's made such an improvement! Now I no longer open the apps mindlessly to doomscroll and only open them when I need to post. It is a little sad, every time I open them I realize how much I've missed from friends and mutuals. But this way is so much better for my head, and it's not like I (or they) can't reach out ever again just because I am less active. It is so, so refreshing to have a place where I can be as unashamedly myself as I want. I only feel gratitude.