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Layout by: Lovely Designs
Artwork by: Akemi Takada
Buttons by: Fool Lovers

It's already the end of June! I'm feeling a lot better but not quite at 100% yet... Everyone is telling me to be patient with myself so I'll try not to be frustrated over it. Not that men don't have their own set of health issues they need to be aware of, but it sucks how much more women are at risk for certain things. It feels like even Mother Nature hates us sometimes!

My Teru Vash arrived! This month's order was just a single birthday present and him. He's soooo cute, and here he is with the original Vash plush I bought in 2020. At that time I was sleeping with him every night and eventually all of his buttons fell off and I had to sew new ones on. I have duplicates of the same Vash plush and it's interesting to see how new they look compared to my "loved" Vash. He may not look new anymore, but he is still so special to me! I look back on that time of my life so fondly.

Speaking of "loved", I bought this messenger bag last year and it's been my daily bag at work since. He's really gotten worn out over time, but I kind of like the effect, like a dust storm obscuring him~

More old pictures! So much has changed since then~

The mornings are the hardest, but I'm continuing to improve slowly. I was able to do the show yesterday! Sales weren't great but what mattered to me more was actually getting back out like things were normal again. The place we sold at had very delicious fried chicken and it was the first meal I felt like I really got to enjoy in a couple of weeks and didn't simply feel forced. I didn't buy anything like I usually do since my medical bills put a huge dent in my wallet... I got a great amount of support elsewhere and I'm so happy, but trying not to feel overwhelmed with the work I have to do. I'll do my best, slowly but surely.

There were so many things I had to miss out on this month, like going out with my tabletop game buddies, celebrating a friend's birthday and I even forgot my 2nd anniversary with Chris!! I want to draw something to make up for it... It's also a bit of a bummer I made this theme for June only to spend it sick, so I'll just re-use it for July and make a more summery one for August, I want to use some cute Keiko Fukuyama or Naoyo Kimura artwork for the banner! Their work on the Southern Islands Collection is so nostalgic and iconic for me!

This month has been quite a nightmare, full of uncertainty with lots of crying and sickness, but I think, I hope, it's finally coming to an end. Part of me is still afraid I won't get my old self back, but I've been told it can be a couple of more weeks until I've fully recovered. I think this was a wake-up call for me to take better care of my health and to actually apply for health insurance. My first need to see a doctor in 15 years... not a bad track record I suppose, it was going to happen eventually. Everyone has been so kind to me these past couple of weeks and it makes me cry still. Bear has been especially wonderful and patient with me, I really am very lucky to have him.

Today I have a show. I was worried about whether I could do it or not, but I think I can. I want to. Bear offered to do the show without me if I was still feeling sick and I was so happy he was willing to do that for me. But I want to be there with him, and see my other artist friends as well. I don't want to be sick in bed anymore (and I have to say, my bed certainly did not help with my recovery! I was just about to buy a new mattress when my illness hit). I hope I continue to improve so that I can get my life back on track!

I'm a little over halfway done with my treatment and I already feel a lot better. I don't want to return to work tomorrow but I have to... I wish I didn't have to work at all honestly, but that's the former NEET in me talking and I know how lucky I am to have the job I do and I'm grateful. I had been thinking about how much I wanted a vacation because every staff member seems to have had one this year except for me (even when I would travel, it would be working at a con before I swore off out of town events for now), but this is definitely not what I had in mind! I wasn't able to do anything except lay in bed and watch TV. Even sitting up was too much for me the majority of the time.

My mom took me out to dinner on Friday because I had such a rough day, we went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Chinese place. I had been going there since I was a kid, and my mom had been going even before that, when she was in high school! It's so nostalgic and still tastes great~ I hope we can make this a regular thing with her and my sister.

These past three weeks really have been hell, but I think the silver lining is that they made me realize some important things, and made me thankful for everyone in my life. I'll do my best to catch up with everything I've missed these past weeks once I've fully recovered... I'm eager to get my life back!

As it turns out, there actually was something wrong with me, something completely unexpected. I'm receiving treatment for it now but it's strange how the ailment affected me in this way instead of the more common symptoms. The panic and anxiety are gone for the most part, but I still feel a little lightheaded and dizzy, and I will have to go follow-up once my treatment is complete. I hope I will feel well enough to return to work on Monday. I feel bad that my co-workers had to cover for me since we are such a small group of staff. I'm trying to take it slow, but I can't help but feel frustrated and sad that I was robbed of half of my June. I should have seen a doctor sooner, but I was afraid of the cost since I don't have insurance... What matters now is that I'm getting treatment and will hopefully be back to normal in a week or two. I will never take my normal state of mind for granted again.

My LONG BEAR bag from Ugly Plants arrived!! I am sooo happy to have this little guy in my bag collection, he's so cute and has plenty of space!! I've owned a couple of her bags before but this one is definitely my favorite.

And another birthday package from a friend!! She is so sweet, she really knows me well! Everything was so perfect, I can't wait to wear the shirt and the Sakura and Tomoyo plush will be great when I re-arrange my magical girl shelf. And I will never say no to more charms and stickers! Not to mention she has the matching Cinnamoroll patch to my Pompompurin one. And she also drew me something special involving a knight AU with me and Chris!! I have to say, they are the perfect yume scenario (as long as you add in magic and better hygiene practices, lol). She really is too good to me...

It feels like I am struggling to wake up from a bad dream, and I am almost there, but not quite. What a strange and unpleasant feeling constant anxiety is! Today is my day off, so I want to draw and rest. It's frustrating how slow my mind and body are at healing, but it can't be helped.

Bear got me another late birthday present! It's a Creamy Mami teacup. She's soooo cute!! I actually got some new chamomile called Pride and Prejudice. It smells delicious, like fresh apples when brewed!

The other week my mom saw me wearing my Creamy Mami shirt and asked me about her. It felt kind of silly to explain the show, but she liked my shirt at least!

On Friday, Bear and I went to eat Korean BBQ before we went to our monthly show. It was so good! I haven't had much of an appetite lately so it felt nice to eat well. Afterwards we popped into the arcade and I won a unicorn on the first try! It's like she wanted to come home with me.

She's so cute and soft! She makes a great pillow and I was able to sleep well with her, last night especially.

I also got another gift from a friend! I'm so excited to have some face masks to use again and Amenomori Fumika is one of my favorite artists! I already used the journal to write a short story about Chris~

I also want to say, I think it's hilarious when Sanrio characters dress as animals they already are. I know they're shiba costumes, but Cinna, Pompom, and Pochacco are all already dogs!!

The Alucard Nendoroid is up for pre-order, but I don't think I'll get him. He's cute, but I want Integra!! Seras would be nice too. I also decided on a doll I want...

Volks Momo! I tried to like other dolls, but something about her sweet face just does it for me. She's sold out on their website but that's fine since buying a BJD is really not in the cards for me right now.

Yesterday my sister helped me get my dresser upstairs so I could put my TV on it. I thought it would help give me more storage, but things didn't work out quite like I hoped, and the dresser splintered at the bottom so now it slants even with it against the wall and my bed. I guess I'll just have to buy a TV stand instead. I hate this house, it was already too small for us when we moved in despite us tossing out most of what we owned before and space as an issue has only gotten more apparent over time, not to mention the stairs are steep and dangerous. I'll just have to make the best out of it.

I got called into work today, but I declined. Sorry! I'm still anxious about going back to work... I didn't have any major dizzy spells my last shift, but I still feel a little "off" for lack of a better word. It's normal for me to feel disconnected from my body, like I am beside or above it rather than in it, in a constant daydream, and it's like I had forgotten that fact and became disturbed and fearful, which is very uncharacteristic of me. This sounds strange but I think when my period comes in a few days it will help reset my mind and body. I can't wait to have tea and chocolate again without feeling anxious about it!

There's a new splash page! I'm happy with it, but I can't help but think the sketch looked way cuter.

It doesn't feel like I was very productive over the past few days, but I did get some things done. I thought I wanted to host a new portfolio on Carrd, but I didn't like any of the layouts. Then I considered making one here on Neocities, but I really don't want to host it on the same place I have my personal site, as silly as that sounds. I ended up simply sprucing up my current portfolio so I didn't have to make a new business card just yet. It's kind of crazy to think about how I've been selling my art online since I was 16... back then I didn't know a thing about business and my commissions sold for well under minimum wage. To be honest, I think I would have been better off simply drawing what I wanted and improving my skills rather than drawing another YCH or chibi commission, those definitely permanently stunted my art. I didn't grow up to be anything, but at least I'm still kicking and making some spare change here and there. I'm not a fulltime artist and will probably never be but that's ok, not all of us are built to be able to sustain a career in such a competitive field. I think I ended up in a good middle ground.

Today is my penpal's birthday. Happy Birthday!! I'm looking forward to sending her birthday package, although it will be a little late. Hopefully she will receive it as soon as she comes back from her trip. She really likes Yuru Camp, so today I will work on a sticker sheet for her. I hope she likes it! It's been rough, for the both of us...

I'm still feeling a little unwell, but I'm returning back to normal. On Saturday Bear and I went on a sushi date. We hadn't been in a while, and they had We Bare Bears prizes! I really miss watching this show~

I had a nice, long cry last night before bed. I'm a crybaby so it's normal for me to be teary-eyed at the drop of a hat, but I couldn't the past week and a half for some reason. One little push over the edge and I could feel the weight of the past week crush me, like the last card that causes the house to collapse. My tears washed away everything and now it is morning at the shore again. I have so much on my to-do list, but I'll try to pace myself because rushing doesn't work for me. This website has been wonderful to work on whenever I'm feeling sad or lonely, so much that I had been neglecting my art stuff. I really need to work on making a new portfolio so I can print out new business cards. I feel like I haven't made anything good since 2021, to be honest... I know I am improving somewhat, yet I am still unhappy and feel like my art has gone stale. But I keep going, because it's all I can do. If even one person enjoys my work, it's a success I think. My solace is Iris... she really is magical and healing. I never thought I would love an OC like I love her. My daughter!!

It's not as hot as it usually is, for June. We've been having a lot of thunderstorms lately which is probably the cause. I would prefer if it stayed grey and stormy, but I do have to admit it's nice to see a big puddle in the sun afterwards and look into them like natural mirrors, the big blue sky reflected into the pools. I went out at dusk today. I like the dawn and the dusk, they are both very peaceful and calm. It actually felt good outside so I took a little walk to admire the greenery and I caught sight of a single firefly! How nostalgic... When I was a kid I loved Summer, as any kid does. My grandma and I would sit outside on the porch at night and during the particularly hot days she'd get the hose and let me play in the water. I still remember the smell of the water being soaked into the smooth cement driveway, and how nice and warm it felt as I would lay there and look at what few stars are viewable with the neighborhood lights on. Back then, there were fireflies everywhere! Now I don't see them as often, so every time I do, I have to go chase it. This time it disappeared before I could catch it, so I went back inside, defeated... but I'm still grateful for the greeting.

On Wednesday I went out to see Shin Kamen Rider. I had previously seen Shin Godzilla and Shin Ultraman, but I think I enjoyed this one the most. I really loved how silly and campy it was, and there were some heartfelt moments too. All of the characters were delightful, though I will say Hongo constantly shaking like a chihuahua did not endear him to me whatsoever. It was nice to go out to the movies, especially because the last time we went out was to see John Wick 4 which I think was the weakest in the series.

Then last night I went to see Across the Spider-Verse! The visuals were gorgeous and the soundtrack was amazing, as expected, though I don't think the songs are as memorable as the first film's (my opinion could easily be swayed though, I have to remember I watched the first Spider-Verse 3 times in theaters). The storyline is getting a little complex, and I do want to warn it ends on a cliffhanger, but all the Easter eggs and cameos were very fun! Ahh, I want to see the next one already! I also really loved Miguel. Another angry, no-nonsense man to add to my collection? Don't mind if I do~

My Kuroneko-Sama plush arrived a little while ago! The shipping cost of him was ridiculous but he's really cute. I thought he had wire in him but there isn't, so you can't pose him.

I've been thinking about fonts for my site, it's not my strong suit to pick out fonts so I've been writing pages without considering them at all. They really do make a world of a difference when it comes to how a page is presented! All the little things that go into making one, like highlighting color and hovering effects are things I neglected to think about... I'll have to refine those little details. I went back to my May diary and I made 15 entries!! I hope to make just as many this month. I still need to get used to looking at this new theme, I will miss my pink theme but I did use it for over two months and it's still used on my main diary page. Change is so slow for me!

I've been feeling strange and unwell these past few days since I'm trying to detox from caffeine. I didn't think my habit was bad enough to cause symptoms but I guess I was wrong. I hope this passes soon because it's difficult to work when even small crowds are making me feel panic and like I'm going to faint. Focusing on my breathing helps. I can't wait for my day off, just one more day. I hope I don't have more dizzy spells tomorrow.