After a dreadful heat wave, it suddenly hit the 40s today! I woke up to the sound of grandpa's clicking lighter turning on our tiny gas heater. The quiet hissing of the flames always reminds me of Winter break, lounging on the couch in the living room while watching TV and how my mom loved to stand in front of the heater to warm up.

I got my Creamy Mami compact!! It's sooo cute, it glows and plays the theme song, Delicate ni Sukishite as well as other sounds from the show when you press the buttons! My only complaint is that I wish there was a place to clip it on somewhere, but it's probably for the best I don't take it with me anywhere since it doesn't have a dedicated off button.

Yesterday we went to see the FNAF movie with a friend. We went into it with no expectations at all since we were watching it as a joke, but surprisingly we enjoyed it a lot! You can tell it was really made for the fans, and I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes one of the highest grossing video-game movies, especially because the series is very popular with kids.

Some goodies from the arcade after we finished the movie!

We stopped for some books before going home! The Ladybug manga is for Bear, but I read it of course before giving it to him. He's been collecting the Fist of the North Star manga and I keep forgetting to ask him to borrow them! Kenshiro is so cute~ And I bought this collection of Peter S. Beagle stories! So far, I've read the first one, Professor Gottesman and the Indian Rhinoceros, a tale about a man who is suddenly joined in company by a rhinoceros after meeting him while taking his niece to the zoo. Irritated at the intrusion at first, Professor Gottesman soon grows to enjoy the company of the rhinoceros and eventually accepts it for what it really is (a unicorn!). I loved it and the ending reminded me a lot of the ending of Watership Down. The next story is Lila the Werewolf! I want to read it already, but I also want to take my time and not go through the stories too quickly...

I forgot, my Heather arrived! She's on my PS4 for now until I can rearrange my shelves and weed out my collection. Her face is not as cute as the Gecco statue sadly... there's a reason why the stock images didn't have a close-up of it, but I'm still happy to have her.

I've been in the mood to play an otome game so I downloaded an emulator for my phone and decided to play Tokimeki Memorial! I have a friend who is a big fan of the series so I'm happy I finally get to see what it's all about. Stat raisers can be quite challenging! I tried to get Kei's ending and failed, but I think I can make it this time! So far, I've gotten Himuro's ending. I was having so much fun playing that I stayed up until 4AM the other night. Bear's been working late this past week and it's been so nice to have the company of anime boys to keep the loneliness at bay, LOL.

Himurocchi, you are just making yourself look worse when you say that!!

As for my TMJ, it's improved a lot! I'm still in a lot of discomfort and pain and can't eat properly, but at least now that I know what's wrong with me, I'm not panicking all the time anymore. My head feels like it's going to explode at times though. The pain has been blunting all of my senses, so sensations that are completely normal feel foreign to me now after dealing with this for so long. I basically have to learn to become human again!

I want ramen tomorrow!! I hope we can go.

Maybe because it's a friend's birthday that I no longer talk to today, but I'm feeling so nostalgic. My 20s have been so uneventful I feel, but I want to talk about them a little. I always have this problem of feeling overly nostalgic and sentimental about the past instead of focusing on what I have in the moment, even when I was in middle school I would pine for my elementary school days. How ridiculous is that?

In 2013 I didn't have any camera except for my 3DS! A lot of things happened, we moved into that big house, I got my first job, my first (and only) cookie cake, started wearing make-up... I was finally getting into going to conventions and cosplaying. In 2014 I got to meet Akira Yamaoka!!! It was like a dream to see his music live. I crossed some things off my toy wishlist and we had our last Christmas together as a family.

Still 3DS pictures too! I didn't get my first smartphone until 2015.

2015 was really eventful! I got my second job, I was hanging out with friends and going out regularly, I sold at my first convention, I joined my lolita comm and got my first Angelic Pretty dress, went to a fancy wedding, played through all the DS Ace Attorney games (at work!! it was an ice cream shop so it was nice and slow in the Winter ), and met Peter S. Beagle. I also had two family members pass away close together... and the next year my grandma passed away. We had to leave our home and move to where we are now. 2016 was a trainwreck, but 2017 managed to be a good year. I got a job at a candy store!! I miss it a lot, it was a good time of my life since I was working with my best friend and my depression was managed so well that I thought I had beat it. I went out of state for the first time! I went to concerts and meets and conventions and wrestling shows. I obtained two of my dream dresses, one I thought I would never find!! Oh, and it snowed during work! That was amazing.

2018 was full of ups and downs. There are a lot of good memories, like going to all the festivals and cons, going to the KKB and Miku concert and Hello Kitty food truck, painting the back of Bear's Travis jacket, getting to meet one of my favorite wrestlers!! But the downturn was really difficult... in the second half of the year I didn't get paid for my last week at work and moved onto my first office job. I didn't last 3 months before I tapped out! Depression was back, full swing. I remember deeply falling in love with Colossus from X-Men when Deadpool 2 released and he really helped get me through that year. 2019 was difficult friendship-wise and financially, but I got to see Perfume and Cradle of Filth!! I frequented a tabletop gaming shop for a while, and while I do like some of the games, most of them sadly require too much brainpower for me I found. We went to karaoke for my birthday!! I had around 3 different jobs the same year until I settled at the place I'm still working now. Oh, and I was gifted my Cricut cutter! It was an absolute game-changer for me and I owe my business to the friend who was kind enough to get it for me for Christmas.

Seeing them was like a dream!!! They were so incredibly cute, and I'm really glad I got to go because my job wasn't going to let me until I decided to quit. Some friends were kind enough to invite me on their roadtrip and it remains a wonderful memory for me.

In 2019 I also went to Tokyo!! We stayed there for 10 days. It wasn't an ideal situation, I had very little spending money, my phone camera was busted so all of my pictures are blurry and Bear ended up having an emergency that drained his savings so he couldn't come with me. I definitely don't regret going, but I do regret a lot of the circumstances I let happen. We went to Nakano Broadway, Tokyo Tower, Ueno Zoo, Meiji and Nezu shrines, the Gundam Cafe, the Warehouse Arcade before it closed, Harajuku, Shinjuku, and visited lots of fun stores like Kiddyland and the LINE store, various Sanrio stores and the PKMN center in Sunshine City!! I couldn't believe I was finally there. Although a lot of places have sadly closed down since then, I really hope I can do it over again with Bear, and this time I'll be better equipped.

The worst thing about 2019 was definitly having to put Boss down because he was old, ill, and in pain. I miss him everyday, he was the sweetest dog.

I've said this before already, but 2020 was one of the best years of my life! I was finally paid well thanks to financial aid and was able to afford a new phone and a lot of things, both wants and needs that I had been putting off for years. Bear and I tried out a lot of local restaurants and we were happy to eat at home. I was drawing like crazy and joining zines and selling my artwork online and met my online friend group that I still talk to now (well, the ones who haven't disappeared yet anyway...). Everyday was filled with love, joy, and obsession. I'd wake up and immediately talk to my girls, all day! This was also the year I fell madly in love with Brandon Heat, then Vash!! My Trigun obsessed era is something I look back on and miss dearly although it wasn't too long ago.

Sadly this year we did lose Malachi, our senior kitty. I still remember his raspy little meows...

In 2021 I played a lot of FE3H since I had gotten it for Christmas. I would go over to Bear's house, pass out around midnight, and he'd wake me up, take me home and I'd play it for a few hours before going back to bed. It was such a cozy routine. I also got to play in the snow!! We went out of town for special ocassions, discovered some neat new shops and despite working 10 hour shifts often, I was pretty happy with my job as it was comfy, low-stress, and I was able to draw all I wanted during my down time! I learned about 800 kanji, obtained my first pair of Doc Martens, finally got to read Berserk, enjoyed NMH3, went to my first adult Halloween party and fell in love with Chris while playing Village with Bear! Overall, a good year despite the trouble within my online friend group and the incoming cancelation of a zine I was participating in. This was also the year I finished the first painting of Iris! I don't think I've done anything as good since then honestly.

It's funny, I remember 2022 being a bad year because of the depressive haze I was in, but really when I look back on all the pictures, it was actually a good year! Why was I in such a poor mood I wonder? I don't know... maybe it's because I was finally getting tired of my job and the fact that we weren't getting raises despite my bosses going on vacation every other month, and seeing more and more of my online friends disappear, making me pine for lockdown. The world was ready to move on, but I wasn't quite yet! This year I got my hair dyed for the first time, upgraded my tablet to a Cintiq, celebrated many birthdays together, went axe throwing, had hot pot and pho and KBBQ, made my first ita bags, went to more concerts, events, a wrestling show and a parade!! This was also the year I tried out FFXIV and had a lot of fun for a while! Unfortunately I couldn't keep up with the amount my friends were playing so I fell off the wagon pretty hard and stopped playing completely sometime in October. I miss it, but playing on the PS4 isn't exactly ideal, especially without a keyboard.

How I miss you, my little potato!

The first half of this year feels like a completely different world than the second half. If I pinpoint things down, things really started going downhill since we moved locations at work... It's really all been during a single year? I sound like an old lady, reflecting on my life like this but it everyday feels like a nightmare I'll never wake up from. That's just me being a drama queen though. Everyone goes through tough times, and sometimes they last for longer than you want them to.

It's been a few days now since I realized I was clenching my jaw, and I still feel awful! But I'm improving. Last night I was struggling to fall asleep due to the pain... I'm usually a side sleeper so I hate that I'm confined to sleeping on my back now. It's just not as comfortable! With all the aches and sore throat, it feels like I have the flu but without the fever.

One of my co-workers also does massage therapy for work. He immediately knew what to do when I told him about my TMJ problems and gave me a sample of his work! It's incredible, the difference I feel! He said my muscles were very tense, like I was constantly bracing myself for impact, which makes sense considering I kind of was! I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop, all the time. I'm very sore in the points he pressed down on, but I'm really grateful he helped me out. Actually, I remember my caffeine overdose happened right after he insisted on giving me half of his cola that night, so I'll think of it as him making it up to me, heh. Not that I think it's his fault of course, I probably still would have had all of that caffeine hit me even without the soda tipping me over the edge. Now I catch myself tensing up my shoulders too, and I'm making sure to relax them. I want my body to hurry up and heal so I can be free of pain!!

Life has been such a rollercoaster since my last entry! I didn't want to talk about my health here anymore but I had an epiphany two days ago: I've been clenching my jaw! I don't know how long I've been doing it but TMJ matches every single symptom I'm having right now. It explains the 24/7 headache, the dizziness, the neck, back and shoulder pain, the clogged feeling in my ears, my aversion to eating, and more. It also explains why doctors haven't been able to figure out what's wrong with me and why all of my testing comes back normal. I feel like such a dummy for not realizing it sooner!! I'm relieved that what I'm going through right now isn't life threatening, but the pain and pressure in my head and jaw makes it hard for me to do anything except lay in bed, even getting through a shift at work is really difficult. The best remedy for my condition is rest so I'm getting plenty of it, and making sure I'm practicing correct oral and spinal posture, doing gentle jaw and neck exercises, and keeping my diet to soft foods. I have a dentist appointment scheduled next month and I'm really glad I didn't cancel it like I was planning to.

It makes me feel a little insane. The first time around, everyone said I just had anxiety until I found out there actually was something wrong with me. Now this time I'm certain my subconscious jaw clenching was caused by anxiety, creating a vicious cycle... How frustrating! It reminds me of what Bear said, that whatever is wrong with me is probably something very simple. He was right! I really do think everything started back on that day in late May when I accidentally had way too much caffeine, triggering my first migraine. It sounds silly, but it was so intense that I was convinced I was dying! I made a poor decision and had more caffeine when I really should have had a meal to get through that long shift... Ever since we moved locations at work, I've become increasingly unsatisfied with my job and became caffeine dependent to stabilize my mood, until my body finally had enough. I think this is really a sign I need to move on from where I work, but first I have to focus on healing.

I finally watched the Cowboy Bebop movie with friends the other day!! It was a lot of fun to watch it together, I've seen the series twice (my favorite episode is Heavy Metal Queen!) but somehow had never gotten around to seeing the movie. Perfect for the season, and the plot hits differently post-pandemic. I definitely see what my friend sees in Vincent now!!

I also sold at a small event recently! Here's my teeny tiny haul. I think this event has a lot of potential so I'm excited to see how it grows! The event was filled with so many talented artists with wonderful and different styles, I wish I could have bought more.

I also had my first sweet in months! It was delicious, the inside was strawberry cake.

Recently my sister bought herself a new car! I'm so proud of her!! She got something she really wanted and I'm glad. She gave grandpa her old car and we're both so happy he doesn't have to worry about transportation anymore. Cars are awful but they're a necessary evil where we live unfortunately. At least I have a ride to work in a bit...

It's finally nice and cool! I'm enjoying the weather a lot, I like to stay outside and really revel in the breeze and the grey skies. I looked at the date and noticed it's been a year since I made my Neocities account. I don't consider it the anniversary of my site since I didn't start working on it until late March, but it's still an important date! It's unfortunate that I happened to start this site during possibly the worst year of my life, but sometimes life is funny like that.

To tell you the truth, I am a little embarrassed by my site... Any eyes on it makes me nervous and I feel like running away again like a startled deer. In times like these, I have to resist the urge to delete everything. Pages of my sketchbook keep getting torn out and thrown away and I'm not satisfied with anything I make lately. Sometimes I want to share my world with others, and other times I get shy... There's no telling how long this low period will last, but it'll dissolve eventually, hopefully. I decided to have a written journal for my health stuff since I don't want to be overly negative here. I'm doing everything I can to keep my body healthy and nurse my mind back to having its inner peace. At this point everything seems to be in my head, but it's never been this hard before! Not with physical symptoms like these, anyway. I wonder when this tension headache will ease and if I will get my appetite back. I picked up meditation again to see if it helps since I've had success in the past.

Some shows I've watched recently! A bit of a guilty pleasure, but The Boys is a fun show. It's vulgar, gross, shocking, and downright edgy. Everyone is an asshole and there's so many characters I love to hate. I've been liking this spin-off, Gen V so far! Marie is a great protagonist and I love her powers! Blood manipulation? She has some serious potential there. I love seeing how it connects to the main show while still having a fresh cast. No more seeing Hughie's hideous mug!! I also watched Castlevania: Nocturne with some friends. I know the animated series isn't well-received by long time fans, but I was just along for the ride, plus I already liked Richter... The animation and character design was beautiful! Overall, I'm excited to see the next season so I can see my friend fangirl over Alucard.

Fun fact about The Boys, the artist of the comic (Darick Robertson) also did some art for NMH3! I tried to read the comic but if you can believe it, it's even worse than the show and I couldn't stomach it. Maybe I'll try to give it another go sometime.

There was a sunshower yesterday morning on my walk to my bus stop. I didn't bother to take out my umbrella, there's really no need when rain never lasts here. The drizzle spotting the already warm concrete looked like freckles on the ground and it smelled wonderful. The shop I've been getting breakfast/lunch from is run by a sweet older woman. She calls me "babydoll" and gives me donuts for free, but I'm still afraid to eat them so I give them away to my co-workers or Bear.

I don't feel actively anxious anymore, just blank and numb. Life passes me by like a dream, a vaguely unpleasant one you don't fully remember upon waking, and not bad enough to be called a nightmare. Oh but today! The static went away for a bit. It's rare for me to have a good conversation with a customer but today I met Mrs. C. She was a lovely older woman and spoke to me about her teaching career, her family (her husband is an astronomer and she has a son just a bit older than me!), her loss, her hardships. We both agreed it's not about the cards you're dealt, but how you play them. Thank you Mrs. C, both for the gift of our conversation and your kindness!!

I finished the draft version of The Last Unicorn! It was a very interesting read! The seeds of the story are there, but it's so different. It starts off the same and then veers off so heavily I was shocked! There's no Molly Grue, no Schmendrick, no Lir or King Haggard or Captain Cully. Azazel the two headed demon is a funny character, but ultimately I'm glad he wasn't in the final story. In this version set in a modern world, the unicorn doesn't go off on a journey to find her people so much as discover that the world has changed and she doesn't have a clue how to navigate it. It feels less like the unicorn's story and more like her acting as a witness to this strange, changed world. It's satirical and I'm not sure if it entirely works, neither did Beagle since he changed it! But I'm happy this was published and that I was gifted a copy nontheless. If you read it, keep in mind the story is unfinished and ends abruptly.

Oh, and the illustrations in the book are gorgeous! This is the work of Stephanie Law, an artist who has some breathtaking and whimsical works on her site.

I got asked if I could work tomorrow, but I said no. I don't want to work 7 days in a row anymore.

Happy October! I'm not really able to decorate physically, so this is how I got festive for the season. I like October, but it also means the anniversary of my grandma's passing is coming up and we're going to be very busy at work. Speaking of work, my boss got word that I'm struggling with anxiety right now and asked if I was going to consider getting on meds. It was so incredibly rude and insensitive of her, and I'm still angry. At least being angry woke me up a little, though I still feel in a depressive haze. I'll take it over being fearful all the time.

I always wonder, how much is too much when sharing in this diary online? It's easy for me to be candid and unrestrained here... I don't really care about my image or anything like that, it's just kind of weird to think about a complete stranger reading my thoughts I guess. Putting them down here makes me feel lighter than telling a friend sometimes since here, I'm not burdening anyone. There's only so many times you can be consoled by someone before they get fed up that you can't get back on your feet. I just want to feel like myself again, to have my inner peace back, and I can tell she wants to come back but can't, at least not fully, not yet. This reminds me of another piece of myself I lost years ago, when everyone looked beautiful to me (it's in the little aspects of people, if you know where to look) but I haven't felt like that in years. I don't know. One day at a time, that's all I can do right now.

A place that sells Korean style dogs opened up closer to us. I've had one before, but I finally got to try the potato one. It was so good, and I hope we can get another one soon.