Combating Loneliness in the Digital Age: A Guide for Making and Maintaining Friendships

I dedicate this article to all of the wonderful friendships I've made over the years. Big, big, big thank you to my closest friends, who read and encouraged my work and to my best friend for kindly editing it for me. I love you all!

The internet was supposed to be an avenue to connect us with other people across the globe. So why do we feel lonelier than ever? Gone are the days of the wild west net, leaving us with a husk of its former self, filled with corporate entities and ragebait. They want you engaged, subservient, and constantly consuming. To find genuine connection with other people despite it all is an act of rebellion; It's what the world and especially the youth desperately need.

In my opinion, your early adulthood can be some of the loneliest years of your life. By this time, it's common to lose regular contact with most if not all of the friends you had in school, and everyone is out discovering who they are and what they want to make of their lives. And contrary to popular belief, you can absolutely still be lonely even if you have a romantic partner.

This can be hard to deal with, especially in conjunction with adjusting to adult responsibilities, so my goal with this guide is to help readers of every age feel more comfortable about opening themselves up to connection. In combating your own loneliness, you help relieve the loneliness of others, too.

I will try to cover both online and in person friendships, as I'm personally someone who values online friendships and sees them as just as "real". In fact, many of my closest friends have come from online connections. I recognize that even though sometimes it really is that damn phone, technology can still be an important tool to find and maintain our deepest connections.

MINDSET IS EVERYTHING

Before anything else, let's evaluate your mindset and make sure that you aren't accidentally trying to make friends on hard mode. If you are closed-off, unfriendly, or otherwise cagey out of fear, it's going to be a lot harder to find and deepen connections.

Feeling anxious in unfamiliar settings with unfamiliar people is normal. That pit you get in your stomach at the thought of rejection? Also normal. In ancient times, being socially accepted was tied to our survival, which is why rejection or even just the thought of it hurts so much. What you feel in social situations is our primal instinct of wanting to be accepted and a part of something bigger than ourselves. Humans are social creatures, so our brains are wired to desire being with others and to seek companionship.

Now, even though we've established that rejection is painful and something you avoid on instinct, this is unfortunately a fact of life and something you're just going to have to experience and accept. Not everyone is going to like you, and you're not going to get along with everyone. And this is perfectly fine!

This phrase gets memed on a lot, but it's true: Just be yourself.

What just being yourself entails:

Being proud of your likes or interests. Anyone shaming you for either is a red flag, more on this in part 4.
Having the confidence to present your core identity and values to the world unapologetically.

What just being yourself DOES NOT entail:

An excuse for bad behavior. "This is my personality" is not a free pass to treat others poorly.
Lying or completely transforming your personality. While it's normal to tailor ourselves for the situation, you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. No one likes a liar for a friend!
Automatically passing your own harsh personal judgement or criticism to someone who didn't ask for it. "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all."
Excessive negativity. Being around someone who is constantly bringing the mood down or self-deprecating all the time gets exhausting, and will push people away from you. This is different from merely needing support during a hard time.

Humans commonly mirror each other. The energy you cast out into the world is often what you get back, though not always with immediate results. Think about the kind of person you want to be friends with. What do you need to do in order to become a magnet to that kind of friendship? One of the many wonderful perks about friendships is that the good ones can help you on your journey to becoming the best possible version of yourself.

Good friendships inspire, uplift, and help transform our lives. To be in the right headspace to make friends, try to shift into a growth mindset. This means you're seeing meeting people as an opportunity to grow as a person by being open to new experiences. It also means embracing positivity and gratitude, which will draw more people to you.

So, if there is anything preventing you from forming connections in the first place, let's discover it and then work on it!

BUILDING THE SOCIAL SKILLS YOU NEED

No one is born knowing how to socialize. It's a skill you learn over time during the course of your life. The problem is that once schooling, our primary source of socialization in our childhood and adolescence is over, the training wheels come off. We often find ourselves lost and unable to maintain our friendships or make new ones.

Very quickly, you will realize some relationships just don't last. Maybe you don't quite know how to talk to someone without the buffer of being forced to see each other every day. Not to fret though, this is actually a good thing! The beauty of adult friendships is that they are entirely your choice. Your selection of friends is not limited or restricted like when we were growing up.

Practice makes perfect. Exposure therapy is real, and the only way to ease your social anxiety is ironically to push yourself out of your comfort zone, again and again and again. Only then will you learn and practice the skills required to be a good friend, including but not limited to:

Active Listening Skills

A good conversation is like a game of catch. It's not all about you. Make the other person feel heard and understood. Ask questions to clarify their statements. Learn when it's your time to speak, and when it's your turn to listen intently to what the other person is saying. If you are prone to interrupting, a good way when you slip up is to steer the conversation back to the other person and ask them to continue their train of thought.

"Sorry, what were you saying before?"

Communication Skills

Piggybacking off of the previous skill, it's also important to know when to speak and how much to say. You need to listen yes, but you also need to be an active member of the conversation. It's difficult and awkward to talk to someone who has closed their heart! Give them some material to work with, and keep things lighthearted. The art of conversation is one that takes a long time to master, but anyone can do it with enough practice. Some people will be easier to converse with than others, and if you find yourself not enjoying your time with the other person, allow yourself to gently bow out.

"It was great chatting with you! I'll be getting going now."

Growing Comfortable with Vulnerability

Learn when it's ok to be vulnerable with others. Authenticity attracts more authenticity, and while it's a risk to show your belly, it's also a worthwhile one. Friendships should be built on trust after all, and if you cant trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them, then you should reevaluate the relationship.

"I have something on my mind, is it alright if I talk to you about it?"

Building Compassion and Understanding

This comes easier to some people more than others, but it's a skill anyone can learn. The best way to do this in my opinion, is to talk to people from all walks of life. It may feel safer to only speak to those similar to you, but you'll find that you'll grow a lot more and more quickly as a person if you hear the perspectives of people who are completely different from you. Watching social documentaries are also great for building this skill!

"I never realized these things. Thank you for sharing your perspective."

Learning to Disagree Gracefully

Everyone is different, so that means that naturally not everyone is going to agree with your point of view. First, think about what are your negotiable and non-negotiable core values. Remember your non-negotiables and keep an open mind when you find that you don't agree with a statement someone said.

If it's negotiable, don't dismiss them. Instead, ask why they think this way. Flexibility is a wonderful trait to have! Keep in mind in the real world, you will sometimes have to be around people who oppose your non-negotiable values. You cannot change their mind, unless they have shown you they are open to your perspective. Do not waste your energy and keep interactions with these types to a minimum.

Another thing, common interests do not automatically mean that you will be good friends! You can like all of the same things, but if your core non-negotiable values don't align, you'll never get along. Life is too short to spend time with someone youre constantly clashing with. Move on!

"I don't agree with what you said, can I ask why you think that way?"

Watching your Ego

A healthy self-esteem is important! If yours is low, friendships can be a great help in your journey to build yourself up. However, you want to avoid being overly self-centered as well. I want to weep every time I enter a chat room and see that everyone is treating it like their own personal social media feed instead of actually talking to each other. It's ok to be a bit awkward! It's not ok to steamroll over others because you want to dominate the conversation. Knowing when to admit you're wrong and when to genuinely apologize are also very, very important skills to learn.

Being Present

To the best of your ability, make time for others. Schedule things in advance if you're busy. Accept that random invitation if you have the spare time, even if you're scared! Make it a point to invite people out yourself. Remember birthdays and what's important to someone, keep a digital record of it if you have a bad memory like I do. Add dates to your calendar. Be honest about what you can give and this will help avoid making you the flake friend.

Show up and support people when you can and more often than not, they will return the favor. Of course, you should never give just to get something back, as this will just lead to disappointment. I truly believe that tempering your expectations in combination with giving what you can leads to a nirvana-like state.

The final and perhaps the most important skill I can think of is:

Accepting Rejection and Having Perseverance: That's right! As I said earlier, not everyone is going to like or get along with you, and that's ok. With our modern world and our ability to build a new community from scratch filled with people from all around the world, rejection is not the death sentence it once was. Does it still hurt like hell? Absolutely! No one likes being rejected, misunderstood, or looked down upon. But remember this:
You cannot control other people's perception of you.
You can only control your own actions.

That means that no matter what, some people are just not going to like you for no discernible reason and will have their mind made up about you no matter what you do or say. That's your signal to stop wasting time on someone who inherently doesn't like you, and to move onto new or existing connections. Don't give up on friendship entirely! Be patient! Not only with yourself, but with others as well, because you never know what someone is going through. In that same vein, ghosting is not always personal or something to take to heart. More on this in part 6.

HOW TO MEET POTENTIAL FRIENDS

So where do you go to actually meet and make friends? One of the best ways is by hobby groups! For any hobby/interest you can think of (fashion, art, collecting, enthusiasts, sports, activities, etc), there's always a group for it online. Online hobby groups can be found anywhere on major social media platforms, but I always recommend searching for smaller communities on forums and niche websites. I'm personally not fond of Discord, but it's the easiest way to immediately seek out groups and chat with others who like the same things you do, so it can be a fine starting point if you have no idea where else to turn.

For online spaces, don't be afraid to reach out one on one! Groups are great, but deepening your relationship won't happen unless you can speak together privately, or at least in a smaller group. Send that email, message, request, and write from the heart. You lose nothing by reaching out except for maybe a few minutes, so try to build up the courage to do it, and don't expect an immediate reply. Think of online correspondences more like pen pals, where you cast out your magical message in a bottle to the sea, and may or may not get something back in a random amount of time.

If you're lucky enough to live in a more populated area, you might even have a group local to you! Your first job is to locate these groups. Facebook may be terrible, but you can more easily find local groups and events happening in your area. Instagram can also be a tool for this, and many, many other smaller sites. Don't be afraid to search around and don't get discouraged if you don't immediately find what you're looking for!

Keep two things in mind when you are searching and interacting with hobby groups, which I touched upon in the last part, but will repeat now:

Temper your expectations, and be patient!

That means don't go into these groups immediately dreaming about meeting your BFF. Sometimes you're not going to immediately click with anyone, and that's ok! You already did the terrifying work of putting yourself out there and trying to meet people, and that's something to feel accomplished about. Think of these groups as longterm enrichment to your life, a simple place to hang out and meet others where you may or may not find a friend.

You can't force friendship. It takes time, sometimes years. To throw a personal anecdote in here, it took a little over five years for me to finally feel like I belonged in my local lolita fashion community. So what happens if you end up not finding your BFF even if you've been in a hobby group for years? You still made connections, you still put yourself out there, and you still enriched your life. Most of the time, it's a positive outcome for you regardless of how many friends you've made.

Some more immediate places you can meet friends locally include but are not limited to:

Gyms
Game shops
Churches
Adult classes
Sports groups
Local markets and events
Clubs
Bars
Coffee shops

The key to making friends locally is to learn to enjoy your own company first. It may seem backwards, but by having the courage to put yourself out there and go to places and events by yourself, you already did half the legwork. Of course it's always easier going with someone you already know, but sometimes no one is available to go with you, and you should never let that hold you back.

When entering a new space, introduce yourself. It may feel awkward at first, but by making your presence known, you're less likely to be a wallflower. Show interest in others. Strike up a conversation. Ask questions. Find out what you have in common. Keep your heart open and you will become a magnet to others. It's crucial that you feel unashamed to participate and reach out.

Remember what I wrote earlier about rejection? You have to take it in stride. For example, some people are not going to be open to conversation. They might shut you down unkindly, and you're going to have to learn to let it roll off your back and move on without it discouraging you too much. You'll get the hang of it! The important thing is to simply have the courage to try to connect with others.

As for making friends on apps or at your workplace... I may have never made long-term friends from either, but I know many people who have had success through both of these avenues and it is definitely possible. Everything that I mentioned before still applies to seeking friendship here as well, and short-term or surface-level friendships are still valuable. More on deepening friendships in part 5.

In short, finding communities and using those to reach out to individuals is how you meet and make friends outside of school and work— places you are obligated to be. The funny thing is, the more friends you have, the easier it is to meet people! This is why it's important to always accept invitations when possible, you never know what it could potentially lead to.

SPOT RED FLAGS AND SET BOUNDARIES

Unfortunately, not everyone you meet will be on the same page as you. In fact, some people are actually going to want to hurt you. This has nothing to do with you and it is not something you should take personally. Sometimes you can do nothing at all but there is still someone who has a vendetta against you. Sometimes it's even more sinister, like someone who pretends to be a friend but is really looking for the opportunity to strike you down. So how can you protect yourself from these kinds of people when you are trying to form genuine bonds?

In the age of cancel culture and witch hunting, this is especially important for online friendships. It seems that the reason everyone is afraid to talk to each other is because there's always an opportunist looking around to stir up drama and smear your reputation just for kicks. For this reason, OPSEC can be important to practice in online spaces until you evaluate that you can trust someone.

What OPSEC means:

Avoiding oversharing with strangers and acquaintances. If it's not something you wouldn't be willing to say out loud in a public space in real life, don't say it. Be vague on details or outright say you don't feel comfortable sharing specifics when asked. You can choose to keep conversations ONLY hobby/group based if you desire.
Being careful the photos you share don't accidentally reveal anything you don't want to be known, like your appearance, location, or personal information. Always censor anything you don't want exposed if you choose to share it.
Making sure the photos you share have their EXIF data wiped. Your exact location can even be exposed this way!
Using a different name/username/email address for each account, unless you specifically want to be tracked down by a single name. Data leaks happen all the time, revealing which accounts you've made using an email address.
Being vigilant about link sharing. A lot of social media platforms unfortunately now show what account you shared a link under if you don't delete the string of letters after a url. For example, I know Instagram does this.

What OPSEC DOES NOT mean:

Outright lying about yourself. It's the internet which means you're more likely to get away with it, but friendships should be built on trust. No one likes a liar for a friend, avoid this.
Being too closed-off. That's going to push people away, and it'll be hard for you to make any meaningful connections.
Being a dry texter. You can still be a great conversationalist and make friends even without getting too personal about yourself if it's something you're not comfortable with.

RED FLAGS

The more people you meet, the more connections you make, the more likely it is you're going to get tangled with an undesirable person or situation. Here are some common red flags to look out for:

People who judge, belittle, or put you down over your interests, hobbies, or accomplishments.: Friends are supposed to uplift and be happy for one another. If this is new or an unusual behavior, try to gently call them out on it and let them know that they hurt your feelings. If they are willing to talk things out, you may be able to make up. However if this is a reoccurring behavior, you'll want to phase out the relationship. You deserve better than a friendship that is going to chip away at your self-esteem. If you can't be yourself around them, they're not worth it!
There's also going to be people in this category who are mean just to be mean. Be zen. Be calm. Do not take the bait. In my experience, icing these people out and continuing to greyrock is the best solution, because what they mainly want is a reaction out of you.
Drama-hungry people.: I'm not talking about a little gossip here and there, I'm talking about the ones always in the middle of some drama, usually fabricated by them. They stir the pot and toss in as many people into their stew as they can, and it's easier to get swept in than you think. Limit contact with these types as much as possible, because you can and will be their next target.
Growing Comfortable with Vulnerability: Learn when it's ok to be vulnerable with others. Authenticity attracts more authenticity, and while it's a risk to show your belly, it's also a worthwhile one. Friendships should be built on trust after all, and if you cant trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them, then you should reevaluate the relationship.
"I have something on my mind, is it alright if I talk to you about it?"
Being ignored or left out on purpose.: This can be tricky to figure out if you haven't outright asked, but sometimes you might feel like the other person is not putting in any effort into your relationship at all. Maybe they have repeatedly shown they don't care about you by canceling plans last minute, only hanging out with you as a last resort, and ditching you whenever it's convenient. If so, it's time to move on. Attempting to open a discussion before deciding to cut ties can be helpful if you need reassurance that you are not being treated this way on purpose.
Self-centered, selfish, and narcissistic people.: People who only hit you up when they need something from you. People who keep score of everything in the friendship and have receipts ready to whip out the minute they don't have their way. People who don't respect your boundaries.
Have you ever talked to someone who only knows how to have one-sided conversations? It's exhausting! If this is you, try to put in the effort into learning how to shift your conversations to be more equal, everyone will be grateful for it and more people will actually enjoy talking to you as well.
People who don't know how to admit they're wrong or sincerely apologize.: It's hard to admit you were wrong, and most people would rather just double down and stand their ground. I'm not talking about a simple difference in opinion here, but an act where it was clear what was said or done was an injustice. Some people simply don't have much practice apologizing and will hear you out genuinely if you talk to them. Others will either dismiss your concerns outright or claim to apologize, but never learn, and those are the ones you want to leave before you get stuck in a long-term cycle.
You feel exhausted (in a bad way) after hanging out with them.: If you leave an interaction feeling worse than before and you tend to not enjoy your time with someone, this is a sign you're not compatible and you should move on. A slow fade rather than outright ghosting can be a good strategy here; gradually spend less time with them, reach out less, until your contact is completely gone. If the other person persists, be honest and gently express that you don't think you're compatible. Closure is never guaranteed or owed, but it is always appreciated!
Jealousy and controlling behavior.: It's normal to miss someone and want to spend a lot of time with your friends or to feel a twinge of jealousy every so often. It's NOT normal for a friend to monopolize your time, control you, or otherwise insist that they're not getting enough out of the friendship. This can turn into a toxic and demanding relationship fast.

I would also recommend doing some reading and research on emotional vampires, including trauma dumpers who share too much, too quickly! Even just friendships with these types can be very dangerous and a detriment to your health and happiness!

No one can read minds. If someone does something that hurts you or makes you feel uncomfortable, your best bet is to reach out and communicate about it. Don't let it go by because it will turn into resentment! If it's a connection you value and want to keep, always try to talk it out first. Not only is it a worthwhile endeavor to smooth things over, you'll also gain experience in standing up for yourself.

The difference between a good friendship and a bad friendship is that a good friend will want to hear you out and mend things with you. A bad friend will dismiss your concerns or pretend they care, but end up not changing their behavior at all. Here's a great article that explains how to set boundaries with friends better than I'd be able to.

Finally, always know when to call it quits! If things aren't working out or you know you're incompatible, it's totally fine to limit or end contact (while remaining polite and courteous if in a group setting). The length of a friendship is not always indicative of the quality of it. Don't be afraid to reevaluate a friendship you've had for years. Always do what's best for you, while still taking the feelings of others into consideration. It'll not only make you a better friend, but a better person as well.

I THINK I HAVE A FRIEND, NOW WHAT?

You've managed to worm your way into a group and hit it off with someone, passing from the mere acquaintance stage and into a blossoming friendship. Congratulations! Now you have to maintain it.

Friendship is work. Relationships are work. It's a hard fact of life, but it's true. Any connection requires effort to thrive.

Think of relationships as plants. There are many different kinds of relationships, like plants (work relationships, romantic relationships, and friendships that you can probably break down into even smaller categories) and all of them have different utilities as well. Think about it. You might have a different friend you to go for advice rather than the friend who proposes you both go sky-diving. It's wonderful when we can surround ourselves with many different types of people, but maintaining all of these friendships can prove to be a challenge.

To continue with the plant analogy, all friendships are work, but some are going to require more maintenance than others. Some are relatively low maintenance, like the ones that you see more often, requiring you to put in less conscious effort, or are low commitment friendships like an online RP buddy. Then there's ones that require more maintenance and perhaps special care. No matter what though, the same thing rings true for them all: if you don't water them, they are going to wither and die.

Dunbar's number suggests that the limit of stable relationships a single person can maintain is about 150 people. But with work, family, and life, how can you maintain your friendships and fit them into your busy schedule? Here's a great article with a lot of awesome tips that I also follow!

In short, to successfully maintain friendships you're going to want to consistently put in the effort to maintain communication, schedule things and invite friends out even in the midst of busy adult life (it gets easier the more you do it, promise!), and be there for your friends when they need it. Be their cheerleader, be their shoulder to cry on, be someone to have fun with, and someone they can trust and feel vulnerable with. Show interest in their life and be open to what they like. Everyone wants a friend like Hachiware, but they forget they must also meet in the middle and be a Hachiware as well.

In adulthood, everyone is set on their own path. They go on to have families of their own, they move away, or they just don't have the time that they used to. This doesn't mean you can no longer be friends! It simply means that you need to make time for each other. Sometimes this can mean only seeing each other in person a few times a year. Sometimes this means scheduled call you two regularly have. Sometimes it means sending a friend a nice physical letter or a heartfelt message to let them know you're thinking of them. It's not about how much time you have to spend together, it's about the quality and the intent to make time just for each other. That's how you really show you care.

Bumps along the way are common as well. In fights or misunderstandings with friends, clear communication is always going to be your most powerful tool. Don't be afraid to talk things out, more often than not you'll be glad you did. Being vulnerable is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with a friend and drives your bond closer. Learning the art of compromise is a must as well. Here's a helpful article on reconciling with a friend during a rough patch if you're not sure how to go about it.

LOST CONNECTIONS AND REKINDLING

Here's the hardest pill to swallow: All connections have an expiration date on them from the moment you meet. If you're lucky, a connection you really value will only die when one of you does, but they usually end much sooner than that. People change, have a major fight, grow apart, and shift their priorities in life. Everyone's circle usually gets completely swapped around every 7 years or so.

It's important not to let this fact discourage you. In your journey, you are going to meet a lot of different people at different points in your life. Just because you lose a connection doesn't automatically mean it wasn't valuable to you. Some lost connections are cherished memories of a bygone era. Some lost connections are a hard but needed learning experience. Most of them are a little of both.

Sometimes in an effort to find our own life path, people fall off and lose contact with us. I've been ghosted and have ghosted people and I can say confidently that it's not always on purpose. Sometimes a friend is gone forever, and sometimes a friend has just been going through a hard time. Maybe they don't have the capacity for friendships at the moment, but will return to you or wants to return to you when they can. Try to focus less on how hurt you are by their absence, and more what they could possibly be going through.

The most courageous thing you can do is to keep your heart open even when you've experienced hurt, loss, or betrayal. Closing yourself off for good seems like an attractive concept after the fact, but it will also prevent you from bonding with new people.

So what can you do when it's been too long since your last contact? Do you miss your friend? Perhaps you feel a little awkward about leaving them on read too long, so you put it off longer and longer out of shame until suddenly, it's been months! Not to fret! Here are a couple of tips for both sides of the coin:

Value space.: If your friend isn't responding, just let them be for a little while. The modern world demands that we be available to contact all the time, which is not healthy at all. If you're the one in need of space, tell your friend outright, and a good friend will understand and offer support if you need it.
Send low commitment check-in messages.: Don't just share a meme or a video with no context, add in short message that tells them why you thought of them and that you hope they're doing well. Leave it open-ended, but don't pressure them to give you a response either.

Friendships are a two-way street. If you find that you are putting in more effort than the other person, tone it down and shift your focus to other connections. If you don't have a network, you can always build one over time. The people who want to stay in your life will put in the effort to spend time with you and reciprocate, even if it's not immediately.

The longer a friendship goes on, the more you'll come to understand their style of affection and how it fits into your life. Give and receive freely, but never expect anything from anyone, because at the end of the day you cannot control others, only your own actions. Once you accept this fact, you will truly feel at peace and be able to take life as it comes.

AFTERWORD AND FURTHER READING

Over the past 5 years, I've had so many friends weave in and out of my life, often without warning. What I feel the most after all the work I put in is... gratitude. Gratitude that I've met all kinds of wonderful people, and even gratitude for the lessons I've learned (let's just say, trauma bonding is real LOL). Even in a romantic relationship, I personally still have a strong need to have close female friendships in order to feel fulfilled. And now after everything, I can finally say that I do feel fulfilled. It doesn't mean that my life is perfect of course, but it makes living a lot more meaningful.

If you are lonely, feel like an outcast or otherwise unlovable, and like you'll never have anyone you can trust, you can absolutely make the change gradually. Navigating this world and forging genuine, tight-knit bonds isn't easy, but it's possible. I think the most important thing of all is that you don't give up, at least not forever.

If you don't believe in yourself, I do.

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