Monday, May 19th, 2025

Listening to: Sadness is Rebellion by Lebanon Hanover

Currently Reading: Kurayami Dance

Currently Playing: Love and Deepspace

It happened again this morning during my work commute. My panic attacks are like a flashbang, coming out of nowhere and only lasting a couple of minutes. Still, I can't help but feel a bit rattled the rest of the day when they happen, which is rarely thankfully.

The days feel like they move way too quickly since we've moved here. Spring has exploded into a series of nonstop events. Over the past three weeks I've attended various celebrations and ceremonies and birthdays, a festival and a show, and hangouts both virtual and physical. Yet I don't don't really feel like recounting everything here. I look back at my photos and my evidence of late night chats and think about how I want to simply appreciate these precious memories away from prying eyes.

Maybe it's the melancholy. I should be happy, and I am! But I still feel this twinge in my heart somehow. I think it's of my own doing. After all, I don't know why I'm still here. But I won't get too much inside my own head about things again or question the value of my life anymore. I exist on this planet right now, and that's it.

I wasted my entire 20s not really sure if I wanted to live or not, so I'll spend my remaining time surrendering to what life has to offer. Thank you for everything.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2025

Listening to: Gemini by Evergreen

Currently Playing: Love and Deepspace

Oh man, it feels like an eternity since I last updated my site! I really wanted to do it sooner, but there was simply no time. There's still so many pages I need to update and shrines to start on, but this long diary entry will do for now. So much has happened in the first quarter of 2025 in the blink of an eye and I'm excited to finally sit down and recap it all. Like I thought, I ended up going with another template for my 2025 diary. If I ever find myself comfortably unemployed, properly learning CSS would be on the top of my to-do list, but for now my desire to update my site overrides wanting to make something original from scratch.

I'm now writing from a new home! Long story short, near the beginning of the year, my grandpa and I got a "fun" surprise that the house we were renting was in foreclosure; the landlord failed to notify us and even collected rent for as long as he could. Thankfully the bank made a deal with us and I now live with my grandpa and sister in a charming house around the same area. Our deadline was tight, and I was worried we wouldn't make it out on time, but our scrambling paid off and we managed to find a new place and complete the move with a couple of days to spare!

Goodbye and good riddance to that dump and the 7 years we wasted living there! No more crumbling stairs that my grandpa and I have both fallen down! No more hideous solid concrete walls you can't hang anything on! No more gross and cheap vinyl flooring! No more feeling like I live in a shoebox! I can actually cook and play DDR in my own room again, and I don't have to go downstairs to do laundry. It feels downright luxurious to live here, especially since I've never lived in a house with central air and in our previous house, the gas heater broke during the coldest part of Winter this year and we had to rely on electric space heaters to make it through...

My new room has two closets! It's so nice to have a closet just for my lolita clothing. I've since bought some lavender velvet hangers and it makes everything look even cuter!

In January, I went on a trip with my mom and sister to Seattle, just for a couple of days so we mostly stayed in the same area. It was so much fun! It was my first time in Seattle and my first time taking a trip with both my mom and sister since she was a toddler. We left for our flight before dawn and arrived to our destination in the early afternoon. After we checked into our hotel, we got a city pass for entry into 3 attractions, my pick was the aquarium so that's where we went first. Onto the Monorail we went...

This stingray was such a show off! It was beautiful and way bigger than the aquarium in my city, this one had multiple buildings which I found interesting and made it seem like there was more to look at than in reality.

I was on a date~ This aquarium also had otters, seals, and sea lions! So adorable.

As the sunset was approaching, we made our way to our second attraction, the iconic Seattle Space Needle. I always somehow forget how nervous heights make me until I'm already up. The same thing happens with ferris wheels too! I'm always excited to go and it's all fun and games until I look down and suddenly start feeling woozy and freak out internally...

What a gorgeous view!! If I ever manage to go back, I really want to conquer my fear of heights. The way the observation deck was slanted already had me nervous but the glass floor below had me noping out. It was still absolutely worth going even for a coward like me though!

The next day, we woke up early to have breakfast at the hotel so we could fuel up for our plan to do a boat tour by noon. That day was noticably chillier, especially with the wind constantly slapping us! While I had been shedding my clothes the day prior, this time I was clinging to my hot cider to keep warm. The chill didn't bother me too much though, the gorgeous view outside was worth braving the cold for and I found myself enchanted by the bubbling foam the boat produced as we sailed by.

After the boat ride, we still had a full day ahead of us. We explored the Pike Place Market (where I unfortunately did not get a lavender apple cider like I had planned), sat down at a busy bakery for a quick bite and some treats to bring back home, visited the iconic Seattle gum wall, unsuccessfully found a good sit down restaurant to properly eat at (yet there was a coffee shop on every corner!), and finally settled for a disappointing hot dog stand. If only we had realized that there was an Asian food hall right across from us sooner! The food there was much tastier.

I didn't even know this existed?! Gross, but kind of cool! I didn't find the right initials I was looking for which is a shame. If I had known about this sooner, I definitely would have brought my own gum to make A + T, heheh.

A couple of the treats I had on the trip! A bulgogi egg burger and a lemon tart. I'm so disappointed Chikku Chikku isn't a chain because I want to eat this again and share it with Bear!! It was delicious~

This was the view from our hotel roof! It was so gorgeous, we could even see the Seattle Needle from our hotel room window. The day of our flight back home, I remember waking up at 3AM and watching the elevator go up and down in awe. So we said goodbye to Seattle! It was a brief, yet unforgettable trip and I'm grateful that my mom made room for me to join at the last minute. Oh, and here's some of the art I drew during the trip! The first one was drawn before and during breakfast and and the second was drawn during my flight back home. My seat neighbors were so kind and friendly and offered me some of their beef jerky, one of my biggest weaknesses. Drawing daily has been a fun and successful exercise for me, but I think I feel a little disillusioned with the site and its culture and want to take a break from it for now.

Mail time!! I got some belated Christmas packages from friends!! I'm so spoiled! I'm always absolutely amazed by how perfectly tailored everything is. The fact that my friend passed down her Tokimeki Memorial Girl's Side artbooks to me because they are incredibly expensive secondhand made me so emotional. Thank you!! They went to a good home and I'll cherish them forever I want to go on and on about these packages, but I still have so much to write about, so I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. I wear that lip balm everyday now! It's pineapple brown sugar and it smells AMAZING. I also got a card from Des with the cutest painting of Iris! Thank you Des and thank you for exchanging holiday cards with me!!

I have so much art to update Iris' page with and this is just one of them!! I'm so grateful for every piece of Iris art I receive, thank you so much everyone.

The following weeks would become a whirlwind of packing, house hunting, and trying to find the small joys in between balancing my day job with my art commissions. We got some surprise snowfall, won more Chiikawas, found a place selling homemade elote, and celebrated two birthdays back to back. It was busy!

Little kitty paws in the snow before Ranchito noped out and came back inside! Isn't the way the light casts on him so angelic?

Bear kept Chiikawa and I kept Hachiware! The way even the tag has Chiikawa doing the Pajama Parties dance makes me melt. Oh, and my elote had Cheetos on it! I want another one now.

How I spent my Valentine's Day! I replayed (but didn't get to finish ) NMH1, had some strawberries covered in tajin, and Bear surprised me by coming over for a bit before he had to work! It was a good day even if I wish I had been able to finish another playthrough in one day.

Earlier this year I decided my 2025 resolution would be to wear every main piece in my lolita wardrobe at least once, and here's the start of following through on it! I wore my AP coat for Bear's birthday and a coordinate featuring AP's Dreamy Girl skirt for a friend's birthday party. Her party was so much fun! She rented out a karaoke room and we all had plenty of chances to sing and dance. Originally it was supposed to be a Naruto cosplay party but sadly it was too short notice and no one else was able to cosplay with her, save for Bear busting out his old Naruto hoodie. Secretly, I think it was for the best. No one was able to outshine her Gai Sensei cosplay!

Some cryptic party pictures, plus the birthday card I made for Bear!

Three drinks I tried, plus we discovered a restaurant in our area that sells strawberry sando right after we finished moving in! The first drink was called The Paris from Sonic and it wasn't very good, I can't recommend it unfortunately... It looked very pretty though! The Ocean Bombs were ones I hadn't tasted before, Chibiusa was lychee flavor and Usagi was Pomelo flavored. I really loved the lychee one!! Lychee is quickly becoming one of my favorite fruit flavors.

March days consisted of chipping away at my workload, surviving the dreaded Spring break rush, settling in at home (I'm still not fully unpacked but I'm so excited to finally get to it and decorate once I finish these last few commissions), and I went clothes shopping and to a see show to unwind in between all the chaos.

Breakfast! French toast with fruit and whipped cream, the world's smallest omlette, and some hot barley tea in my color changing Creamy Mami mug. Then two shirts I got when I was out shopping! I don't have a picture of my whole haul but I also bought a dress and two mini skirts for the upcoming warm months. One of them is a skort!! I'm so happy skorts are making a comeback.

I also got to see the Sailor Moon musical!! I didn't think I was going to be able to go, but I got a last minute ticket and I am so, so glad I got encouraged to go by both a friend and Bear. I used to watch the 90s musicals on YT, so it was unbelievable to me that they had a US tour now! I didn't take a good enough outfit picture but I wore my navy IW sailor OP and styled my hair in buns to be on theme.

Do you know how hard it is to try to draw Marilyn Manson in an attractive way? Thank you for the challenge Hat!

Finally, after half a year of waiting... our NMH SuperGroupies order arrived!! Bear got me the glasses and bought a Travis jacket for himself. The jacket is really nice, my favorite part is definitely the pocket with the ranking patch embroidered inside!! There's a few details that aren't accurate, like the tiger stripes not extending to the front of the jacket and the sleeve buckles being absent but I'll forgive the inaccuracies. I actually wasn't interested in the glasses at first at all; I already own an unremarkable pair of aviators that I almost never wear (aviators are NOT the style for me...) and the frames are gold! They're supposed to be silver.

However, I saw that the glasses had Travis' signature on the top corner of the lens and that alone is what sold me. I'm so glad I got them! The case itself is plain and unassuming unlike my Vash glasses case but the cleaning cloth pattern was a nice surprise. They're shockingly small, they don't fit Bear's giant head at all but they're perfect on me. I plan to wear them along with my AP rider jacket and Telephone JSK to make a Travis inspired coordinate. I need a con to go to so I can show off my coordinate and ita bag, stat!!

They did it, they finally did it. They made me, the biggest mobile game and gacha hater in the world spend money on one. This game got me though all of February and I'm still addicted. The devs made two silver haired guys and expect me to choose just one?? I'll write about my experience later on in my play log.